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RHP

RHP User

F45

"You can do better"

April 12 2017

I can't emphasise how much I strongly dislike this statement. I don't hate it because friends who care for me say this to me, but it's also been said to me as a break up line. Another pet peeve to add to all the pet peeves I forget that I dislike. I've heard it since I was a teenager. When it's said to me, I kinda feel a little misunderstood and sometimes hurt. It feels judgemental. It feels like I haven't really been listened to or haven't explained myself properly. Just because I "can do better" doesn't mean I'm settling for less than I deserve. I try to explain why I'm attracted to guys who are not necessarily great in paper. The ones that are great on paper are freaking high maintenance and expect a lot more from me because they are hard on themselves and cause arguments! When I find someone who I can be comfortable with, feel safe, have fun with and get away from the world that already stresses people out, that's what I feel I need and want. Life feels nice then. I don't necessarily want to "do better" in other people's eyes. I want to do better for my insides *wink wink* How does this statement make you feel? - Posted from rhpmobile

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Comments

  • RHP

    RHP User

    9 years ago

    To me is from an age where women were supposed to find themselves a provider. It's the gold diggers motto. When I was full on into sailing there was a women who was very blatant about only going out with a ladd. (Lawyers, accountants, doctors, dentist) throw vet in there as well. She knocked back lovely men because she could do better. 20 years on she is still alone. It's very judgemental and acquisitive and makes my skin crawl.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    9 years ago

    Love your topics, great substance.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    9 years ago

    I say it to friends who are very unhappy in their relationships, and who tell me they are sad. I've had it said to me in a relationship that was very dear to me. I couldn't work out why he was saying it. He was tall, handsome, educated, and seemed to have everything going for him. I thought he was the man I'd spend my life with. It was only after we broke up that I worked out why he said it to me, and why he was consumed with guilt when he said it. Flygirl...if you are happy with the partners you choose, ignore this statement from your friends. If your partner says it, there's prolly another reason. Listen to them...and thanks for the interesting topic xxx - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    9 years ago

    This statement used to infuriate me for a couple of reasons. The first being that I always felt I wasn't anywhere near as intelligent, pretty, worthy etc as people thought. I used to think 'if only they knew the real me they wouldn't say that.' But the other reason is because this statement is usually a judgment based on someone you're seeing but others don't know that well. They might be judging based on their work, the type of car they drive, that they didn't have a very good upbringing. The shallow surface judgment grinds my gears even from 'well meaning' family and friends. Now it's not a drama for me. Sometimes I use it as a reflective tool - is this person really what I want or am I trying to fill a void/patch a wound without dealing with the root cause. At the end of the day we just want demons that play well with ours. It might not appear ideal from the outside, but as long as we are confident in our choices that's all that matters.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    9 years ago

    ...after getting divorced back home and giving it an appropriate time to heal (2 weeks was fine by me) I started dating a woman that, when wearing our day to day grunge stuff, neither was much to look at especially me. Had a ''friend'' tell me to get it out of my system and I could certainly do better? LOL.... what the asshole didn't know is that she had been Miss Pennsylvania and 4th runner up in the Miss USA pageants! Funny what a bit of make-up and a designer dress will do when we did go out in public. She was also an accomplished pianist and could cook like there was no tomorrow! Throw that aside...she was also one of the kindest and most gentle women I have ever met in my entire life and an incredible lover. There's of course a longer story attached but I'll leave it at that for now...let's just say that I am still pissed off at the US military for giving her the opportunity to make another rank in a different part of the world. Short form...if I need an opinion I will ask myself as I do trust my judgement! Best........ CM

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    9 years ago

    Quoting 'SoftandCurious'They might be judging based on their work, the type of car they drive, that they didn't have a very good upbringing. Hey gorgeous, I'm now technically unemployed, drive an old Saab, my A-100 is over 10 years old and I came from so far on the wrong side that it's not even recorded on the Amtrack map! Sooooo... wanna run away together at least for a weekend? You......rock and are one of my favorites you lucky lady! Best.... CM

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    9 years ago

    I totally agree. It's cliche but I suppose those who say it are just trying to make you feel better. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    9 years ago

    I see "ASK ME" on a profile more than one or two and it's next...Sheesh being fussy in a seller s market...

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    9 years ago

    All great and varied responses. I thought it was just me feeling that way, so it's good to know that a statement so commonly used can be taken in so many different ways. But it does depend on context and the comments makes sense. @LoveBitten: yeah I'm not sure what they mean when a partner says it. I think insecurities and secrets are hard to reveal and this statement kinda sums up their thoughts of the relationship. Strange how time will tell... and how he knew you would figure it out without having to tell you and go through the pain of explaining it...I'm glad you understood in the end. It's when you don't know that is even more frustrating, similar to what @AnnieWhichWay wrote above. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    9 years ago

    And to a degree, its a insult I chose you, cause I was, is, am, into you All of you, flaws included and when you use this line, among other excuses to leave, you insult me by questioning my selection process in choosing and wanting to be with you. You question my belief system and I believed in you, us. I like love you, cause I like love you, do I really have to explain it or justify it ? It just it So OP, fuck off everyone who every says that to you. Friends, family or even the relevant partner. Be with the person who brings out the best in you but also wants to be with you, no matter what ever your failings or short comings are, because the person that wants to be you, sees you for all that you are and loves you anyway.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    9 years ago

    Can't say I've ever had anyone say that, or I doubt even think it. I suspect though, the men in my life had it said to them 😉

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    9 years ago

    ...often masked as a supposed-to-make-you-feel-better line often used by friends, who secretly( or maybe not so secretly ) feel they are in a better/happier position than you and want you to know that. It's condescending and very holier-than-thou.

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  • AnnieWhichway

    AnnieWhichway

    9 years ago

    Well put. Love your post

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    9 years ago

    Yes I have to say I'm liking your posts too. Stick around 😉

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  • Seachange73

    Seachange73

    9 years ago

    Love your topics. One of the very few I follow. It always make me think and reflect. As Sail said, with substance and it shows well balanced frame of mind. On topic, it has been said to me a few times a long time ago about previous partners. I did not appreciate it, although I was young then, it was almost a slap on the face at what I felt then was mistrust by family and friends on my ability to choose what was right for me at that time. I was disappointed as I personally would not comment on their choice of partners as they seem happy. I think I felt the pressure to conform then and I regretted it as I didn't fulfil the potential of any of those relationships. On the positive note, I learned soon enough that I cannot live my life based on other people's views and standards as that is just another path of living life full of regrets and misery. I have chosen to Ignore those advice, albeit most well meaning, and listen to my inner voice instead and made decisions for myself, regardless of consequence. only then I can look back and truly own my actions and the outcomes as they speak from the heart. only then, I can learn. Nowadays, I don't march to the same tune as everyone. I'm not good at conforming and speak my mind freely. Nowadays, I get paid to speak my mind freely so that has been good for me. An ex boyfriend at uni told me that when we broke up. Not sure then why and was it to make me feel better about myself and soften the blow. I still remember that dsy as we sat in the car. We were the most unlikely pair. He was a ultra left wing student activist leader full of contradictions with a wonderful complex mind while I was a reserved studious student. He was a 5 years older than me. Somehow we ended up together because he challenged me and my views of the world whereas he told me I grounded him and made him laugh and be more positive about life. I loved him for it. the break up was difficult for me to take but I got over it. I bumped into him in a bar many years later while I was working for a bank. I was with my bf then, who was my colleague. So the ex never finished uni and was left wondering what to.do with his life. he told me he was dissolutioned with the system and had been lost for a while. he wanted time-out from society and he thought breaking up with me was the best gift he can give me so as not to drag me into his mental and emotional mess. I felt sad. He really never gave me a choice but I understood. And he was right that time. I.just wish he was more honest then.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    9 years ago

    Thanks @LilyOrchid - it's very insightful and I do love some storytelling 😄💖 very bittersweet. Time reveals a lot of truth. I just think this is a very "lazy" statement and after all the work/thought we put into our relationships, we at least deserve a truthful explanation. I make sure they feel comfortable enough to say it to me like I'm a friend and I'm not going to react too much in front of them, just let it sink in and accept it. When friends say it, I look at their past history of partners who I wouldn't even think of dating. Each to their own lol As @Lanegan says above, when you choose someone on your own free will, after thinking it all through, it should be the greatest compliment to a partner, but some push all this away with this very statement. I know if someone chose me on their own free will and I felt the same, it is the most gratifying feeling and something we'd all love to have, deep down inside because we are more than just a shell or a body. @Softandcurious - "we want demons that play well with ours" - great line! Made me laugh inside, while I quietly read 😂 - Posted from rhpmobile

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