F53

When “No Judgment” Has Conditions

April 01 2026

I was a bit reluctant to post this as I know it can be a loaded topic, and likely result in a lot of judgment. It’s something I keep noticing on here doesn’t quite sit right. For a platform where people talk a lot about acceptance, openness, and not yucking someone else’s yum, there seems to be a clear double standard when it comes to married people who are playing outside their relationship. Married women are often seen as desirable, even admired and sort after. There’s a certain allure around them. Perhaps the thought of stealing someone else’s wife. Married men, on the other hand, tend to get shut down quickly, questioned, judged, or dismissed outright. Yet the behaviour itself isn’t that different. From personal experience, and from conversations I’ve had with others, the reasons people step outside their relationships are rarely as simple as people want to make them. It’s not always black and white. I’m not saying anyone has to be okay with it. Preferences and boundaries are completely valid. But there’s a difference between “it’s not for me” and placing moral judgment on people whose lives we’re not part of. We don’t actually know the dynamics of someone else’s relationship, what’s been agreed to, what’s missing, or what’s led them there. If this space is genuinely about openness and accepting different ways of living, then maybe that needs to be applied more consistently.Not just when it’s convenient or fits a narrative. This is purely my opinion, and I’m not expecting everyone to agree. It’s more a post formed through observation.

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Nightglider

2 months ago

ADHD here. Correction: sought after

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Evo6717

2 months ago

We as a couple have no issues in playing with single males or females but we made a decision from the very beginning that we would not play with either married females or males if only one partner is involved. We understand there are different circumstances for everyone but we just don’t need the hassles nor baggage that may follow. This was one of our rules that we set from the beginning along with many others

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JustAManNextDoor

2 months ago

In my experience and observation over a lifetime, most people have a moral compass that bends in whatever direction feels most comfortable at the time. That may ruffle a few feathers, but such is life. This very topic actually brought an otherwise wonderful date to an abrupt end a few weeks ago when it came up in conversation. So, in a way, I’m grateful to Nightglider for raising it here in the forum. Legally and ethically, many would argue that those of us who are married or in de facto relationships are, by definition, committing adultery and cheating by participating in this lifestyle, regardless of consent or whether we identify as ENM. You’re welcome to fact-check that perspective. Labels don’t always change how things are perceived from the outside. What does matter, however, is acceptance, understanding, compassion, communication, and most importantly, truly listening to the people we engage with here. This is a unique community, and I see that every day through the forums and the conversations I have with people from all walks of life. I’m open about the fact that I’m married, and yes, my situation is complicated, genuinely so. I’m also happy to talk about it openly if asked. But that openness doesn’t make it any easier when painted with the broad brush of “the cheating married guy pretending to be single.”

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Fuckyousweetness

2 months ago

A classic double standard.

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MrandMrsEss

2 months ago

Another great thought provoking post and one that I'll admit some reluctance to reply to but here goes. We have rules and one is not to play with one part of a couple without their partner's permission. Now of course rules are made to be broken and we have broken this one twice. First was with a woman. Initially I played with them in a MFM as the third but learned that he was quite mentally abusive to her. She and I really clicked so we did meet again but with such a strong connection and her unhappiness with her partner it got messy as she wanted more from me than I could give. Did I feel bad for him? No way and was happy to give her a taste of what she really deserves but it was not sustainable. Now MrsS feels quite strongly that she doesn't want to be doing anything against another woman and she has a lot of respect and value for the commitment two people make to each other but we slipped up with a very impromptu meet and we didn't read the profile close enough and missed that the guy was married only finding out after. She felt really bad but this was mixed with the memory of just how damn hot that night was. I have spoken to the guy at length about his situation and can see that we have given him an outlet to explore what his partner isn't interested in and more than that a very safe space to do it as we have no desire to complicate his life. He loves his wife, doesn't want to leave her but has desires he can't tame that she isn't interested in exploring. I do find people profess to be non-judgemental but always have some things they love to pass judgement on, I guess that's the norm. If I pose the question "how would I feel" I'm not sure my answer means much as we are so supportive of each other's needs that if MrsS needed to explore something she didn't feel she wanted to tell me about I would have no issues with it so long as it isn't a reaction to some deficit in our relationship, which I'd prefer to know about so I might work on that deficit. So we still have this rule, or should I really call it a guideline as there are so many permutations out there that it really is hard to say "never"

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Sescalinata

2 months ago

What couples choose to do is totally their business. I do agree, though, that married women are adored and sought after, whereas married guys are treated with indifference and even disdain It may be their attitude. I've blocked a few married guys who messaged me and became abusive when I said I don't see married men. It may be the fact that their wives are getting way more attention, I'm not sure. There are enough single guys here.

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Temptress_T

2 months ago

This is a great topic Nightglider. I see so much of what you are saying in the lifestyle. Married men are often said to be cheaters but if a women plays without her hubbys knowledge if is accepted (not by all). We all have our boundaries and as one of the other respones mentioned they can bend to suit their needs at the time. As you said, we dont know what has been said behind the closed door of a marriage, mayby they are together for the kids or even financial reasons. I know a few couples that are basically just room mates and that is the decision they have made and who are we to judge that. We all have the right to say no we dont want to engage with married people, but do we have the right to judge them for that?

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nutsundae

2 months ago

Wow. Great topic! You know how sometimes you don't notice something, and then when you see it, you're all omg, how on earth did I not see this before? There is absolutely a prevailing double standard in how attached solo Fs vs attached solo Ms are perceived. I've caveat this with a disclaimer that I know many here are careful to be objective and rational in their choices, communications and engagement, but as a herd here - no, we're not. Attached Fs are almost celebrated for their liberation, and we frankly don't care if their partner is aware and supportive. If they are - that's great. If not, we assume it's clearly a terrible relationship, so good for her. With solo M, we default to suspicion. Deception. Betrayal. Narcissism. We levy a burden of proof on the user to clarify and justify their position. Again, not everyone does this, and I'm sure that for many of those that do, there are historic traumas that trigger the strong responses - which is totally understandable. I'm also not suggesting that people shouldn't be able to choose who they do / don't associate or play with. This isn't a critique of individual choice or preference. It's how we behave as a community. Here, I'll prove it. Imagine this. A solo F account posts a new topic - New to the Scene. I'm a married female. I'm new to this, but I want to experiment with casual NSA encounters, and am interested in attending parties and clubs. My husband doesn't know, won't be involved, and won't ever know. I'm just not satisfied at home - physically or emotionally, and so I've decided to go find satisfaction elsewhere. Where should I start? Some replies might raise ethical concerns and suggest starting by working on their relationship, but the majority would offer objective advice, support and encouragement. And there will be a 1000 DMs from men offering personal assistance. Now flip that to an attached M, making exactly the same post, starting with "I'm a married man…'. You can actually feel the churning of the collective ick, can't you? So I don't think it’s possible to question whether a double standard exists. It does. I think the really fun question becomes this - if we accept that a double standard exists, do we think it has validity? I.e. Is it right and proper for the double standard to exist? Flak jacket on, tightened and protecting major organs. Crash helmet buckled. Body weight leaning forward. Deep breath….. Hitting POST YOUR COMMENT.

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Nightglider

2 months ago

In addition, is it easier to be judgemental online? Does the same occur at swingers venues and parties? Where physical attraction and impulse often can override with less details about the other person. Or less discussion for some. Just a thought.

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nightingale8

2 months ago

Context matters. If you look at anything in isolation things look pretty strange! And the context for women and men hasn’t and never has been the same. Plus I’m not even sure what the purpose of advocating for equality would be in this case? At the end of the day, it seems the responsibility is again cast on the women to solve the lamentations of (married) men. I don’t judge married men, I just choose single ones most of the time. Because I can be selfish in one area of my life and here I am bound to no one 🙂

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Justsearchforfun

2 months ago

Thank you

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PNG_Kinkster

2 months ago

This is a great topic! Coming from a ENM married guy who has been in the lifestyle for some time now, previously before I was married, and now with my wife, I can definitely confirm the judgement is real! We’ve come to accept that not all people will see it and accept it like we have. And that is ok with us. We are very comfortable within our relationship, and quite frankly if someone’s going to go down that route of questioning an interaction because of whatever preconceived idea they have about us, then they’re not for us. Simple as that. I am not going to sit there and try and justify my relationship with them. That may sound harsh, but honestly, time is currency and I won’t spend more time than I have to. I’d rather put my time in creating real and genuine connections with people who accept my relationship status, and are understanding and respectful of that dynamic.

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Goodman4funtime

one month ago

I agree with this and have seen those double standards when a couple asking if I can send my wife to them but when I said, Would you like to see me, answer is you cheating. I think it is easy for people online to have double standards and not when in person. I think both should be looked at same way but as they say world is never perfect so I only choose to communicate with people interested in talking to me after first I tell them.

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SweetSerenade

one month ago

Open mindedness and mindfulness is often mistaken as no judgement. There's no such thing as no judgement. Everything we do from the food we eat to the places we go right down to who we sleep with involves vetting, discernment and straight out judgement. Judging another's morals and ethics is where things can get icky. Sure we like to think we won't yuck someones yum, but that's far from no judgement. Ultimately to be able to say "you do you, but it's not for me" without negative judgement towards that person's activities comes down to weather or not it causes others harm. Breaching consent for example is certainly an action to be judged as immoral and unethical. This goes for assault and can extend to cheating. Anyone conducting sexual activity outside the relationship without the knowledge and consent if their partner are exposing their partner the the risks of STI, embarrassment, and heartbreak. To do that is simply not good by any measure. So I think you'll find the majority of people in the ENM/CNM/Open lifestyle would stand together in telling cheaters to F#$K right off as this is not the place for them.

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GlitzyGiraffe

one month ago

I can see an issue that no-one is addressing here. STI risk. Anyone a person is sleeping with deserves to be informed about their level of risk. That is easily addressed in an open conversation with prospective partners when we are willing participants in the lifestyle. But if a partner thinks they are in a marriage or other type of committed relationship where they are both only sleeping with each other, it is exposing the non-playing uninformed partner at a risk they have not consented to. And even if you use the full gamut of protection for safer sex including the use of condoms (for oral, vaginal and anal sex), dams (does anyone use those?!), and at least quarterly STI testing, not to mention medicinal prophylactics and post exposure treatments, it is still only safer sex, not safe sex, so everyone should be allowed to make an informed choice and not have someone else make it for them. Does that make sense?

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mobydick4000

one month ago

I think the general perception is that the man in the marriage is stepping out and cheating purely because they are driven by sex, while a woman is stepping out because they have 'reason' to do so. Personally, I've always been very careful dating any woman in a marriage. Only due to past experience of dating a woman who was separated and her ex came over while I was at her place and was watching us through her windows, my car parked in her driveway. For me, I have dated a woman in a relationship, but she was clear on the reasons and that he consented to the open relationship. Honestly, I could only rely on her word, as another person can only rely on a man's word. But if a man is already saying they are in a marriage, then that's at least the first truth.

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Generousgent

one month ago

Agree that there are double standards. Hence my profile.

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Pink_Charmeleon

one month ago

I’m one of those people. I don’t judge anyone on their preferences inside the law. But marriage is a whole other bag. I don’t judge people for playing outside the marriage if their partner is an agreeable party. But if they aren’t, it’s just messy. I have no respect for anyone who would rather sneak around, than at least try to fix the marital problem. You can guarantee that if they get caught, they are going to throw you under the bus and you’ll get labeled a home wrecker!

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Wetleg

one month ago

I’ll be so honest here. I’ve had raised eyebrows from women AND MEN. My partner was always cheered on but me? The guys would say to him “Oh I could never share my gf/wife, I don’t know how you do…” so don’t worry us women are also judged in our own circles or by the partners friends you just might not hear it. The men (when they do cop the judgement) comes from a place of the percentage of men we’ve dealt with who are sly and try to hide such desired things.

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Zpaset

one month ago

Partner has nerve damage and completely lost feeling and desire for sex. After five years of no sex she was tired of a perpetually cranky husband so sent me off to play. She sometimes meets people and then leaves me to it but she doesn't particularly like doing that and prefers to be kept in the dark about details. It definitely makes it harder as I'm not going to just start talking about personal medical issues in an introduction, it comes up eventually but you have to get over that first hurdle.

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RHP User

22 days ago

Cheating people are gross. I don’t care what gender they are.

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When “No Judgment” Has Conditions

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