M39
Seeking advice
March 18 2016
Comments
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RHP User
10 years ago
from hormones, to post natal depression.... Could be pain from a tear that's formed into scar tissue..... I'd suggest talking this over with your GP, but before that, talk to the missus and ask what her plans are with regarding to this.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
After you have a baby, being sexy is a distant memory for a while. You dont have the same time to yourself, lack of sleep and a saggy tummy do not stoke the libido. As much as I loved my partner and baby...I felt tired and unattractive. The babies needs and development are paramount now, not entering the swinging scene. While you are fantasising about threesomes she will be making up baby food and checking to see if there are enough nappies for the weekend. Give her time....compliment her, spoil her and make her feel good about yourself. THEN approach the subject again. Softly softly...
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
Your relationship. You need to be in a intimate close relationship to even contemplate swinging or it will tear everything apart one way or the other. Talk deeply with her. Try counselling. The two of you need to rekindle the fire even without thinking of swinging or 3somes. Until you get back there, i would get off rhp. There will be too much temptaion in here and you need to focus on the 2 of you. All it would take is an interested party to hit you up and before you know it, your focus will shift further and the divide between you and your wife will be too wide to bridge Sounds like you love her. If you do, remove yourself from here and give her a chance.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I'm glad to hear that you acknowledge that there is a issue happening in your marriage and you are concerned enough to address it. I felt sad to read what is happening with you both However, IMHO, several things As Stirry said, chat with your GP, you wont be telling them anything that haven't heard before so no need to be embarrassed or to feel awkward , that's what they are there for and there is every chance that all your wife is feeling can be addressed quite quickly, especially if its hormonal. Post natal depression is another ball game and it will take time, effort, perhaps medication and counselling to help in this area. And lots of lots of open and honest communication I think its also important that you address where you are, in all of this. Are you helping out with the baby and the running of the household ?. Is your wife just simply exhausted and overwhelmed ? Is she working ? Are you contributing a fair share in the raising of bubby ? It very important that you find out where she is sitting with all of this. Does she want to "feel better" and get back to who she was, is this a important agenda for her ? You both need to be very clear on what the issues are and what you are both going to do to try and rectify them. How important is what she is feeling, important enough for her to do something about it ?. Is she concerned or not ? This to me is what needs to be sorted first. And I agree with Koko that all this needs to be address tactfully and gently, including making an effort to make her feel like woman again and not just "a mum" who primary focus at present is her child. This time is about her. I feel for the fact that at 28, you are only having sex twice a year, but at this moment in time its not about you but her as there appears to be a few issues that need to be addressed and hopefully rectified. I appreciate you are frustrated and in your head a lot of fantasies are evolving but in order for any of your fantasies to ever come true, you have to address your reality. I totally agree with Annie, in as much as you need to get off this site. Sure, you have indicated in your profile that you are exploring (what's to explore ? you have commitments at home that should be coming first.) and that you are here to read and participate in the forums, ok fair enough , especially if you seeking advice and you need someone to talk to , but the fact that on your relationships status is a "Ask Me" is a HUGE red flag. You are married with a young child, why are you denying that ? I do feel for you, but I think you really need to take some time out to examine where you are in all of this as well. Where is your head and heart and are you completely committed to your marriage and family . I'm all for swinging, exploring and all of that you have mentioned, but now is not the time I wish you all the best with this
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RHP User
10 years ago
I've been in a VERY similar boat to you. Actually, that's how I came to RHP originally; through frustration I guess. I think what was paramount for me was learning patience and being able to step back to get a better view of what was happening around me e.g. if the wife was going off at me, what was the real underlying issue and what could I do to avoid this happening next time. For me, sex did take a back seat for some time e.g. once a fortnight sorta thing and in any case, like you, it was the intimacy that I really missed (and which led me here). I'd also like to be clear that despite being here I have never been unfaithful, nor do I think I would be. I feel a LOT of marriages crumple within this period, it is often a test so to speak. What largely got me through was firstly patience and a LOT of it. My band aid re intimacy was all my female friends which I love and adore. Although those relationship are platonic in nature, the love, cuddles and kisses meant worlds to me in that I still felt loved whilst going through a tough period. Remember, following the advice of the contributors above should set you off in the right direction, but this is a long road and intimacy is a huge thing to lose; or for me at least, I never realised until that time how much I needed it. I encourage you to pursue any safe means of helping to fill that intimacy void albeit relatives, friends, men's groups or whatever. I think it will help to balance you for everything else you need to deal with. I do not necessarily agree re the above comments re getting off RHP as I myself have found this place helpful for chilling out and having a read of general sex stuff topics that I find interesting + being a part of something outside of my day to day life. It kinda depends what you're here for; if you're here looking to bust nuts, then I'd suggest leaving because that will most likely make matters 10 X worse for you. I wish you all the very best of luck, it's not easy, but in posting this and reading your post, you seem like you have what it takes to get through this, chin up big boy, you'll be ok
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'langton11' I've been in a VERY similar boat to you. Actually, that's how I came to RHP originally; through frustration I guess. I think what was paramount for me was learning patience and being able to step back to get a better view of what was happening around me e.g. if the wife was going off at me, what was the real underlying issue and what could I do to avoid this happening next time. For me, sex did take a back seat for some time e.g. once a fortnight sorta thing and in any case, like you, it was the intimacy that I really missed (and which led me here). I'd also like to be clear that despite being here I have never been unfaithful, nor do I think I would be. I feel a LOT of marriages crumple within this period, it is often a test so to speak. What largely got me through was firstly patience and a LOT of it. My band aid re intimacy was all my female friends which I love and adore. Although those relationship are platonic in nature, the love, cuddles and kisses meant worlds to me in that I still felt loved whilst going through a tough period. Remember, following the advice of the contributors above should set you off in the right direction, but this is a long road and intimacy is a huge thing to lose; or for me at least, I never realised until that time how much I needed it. I encourage you to pursue any safe means of helping to fill that intimacy void albeit relatives, friends, men's groups or whatever. I think it will help to balance you for everything else you need to deal with. I do not necessarily agree re the above comments re getting off RHP as I myself have found this place helpful for chilling out and having a read of general sex stuff topics that I find interesting + being a part of something outside of my day to day life. It kinda depends what you're here for; if you're here looking to bust nuts, then I'd suggest leaving because that will most likely make matters 10 X worse for you. I wish you all the very best of luck, it's not easy, but in posting this and reading your post, you seem like you have what it takes to get through this, chin up big boy, you'll be ok Though you have the strength to resist temptation, few would have that strength. Really nice post however, you wife is very lucky to have you, however I don't really see the point. It just cements my resolve to never be in a traditional kind of relationship. Never works, never has, never will, and I don't care if I get jumped on over that, I'm a realist and believe the sooner people learn to share, the happier they'll be long term. Fine to have a number 1 but it's not realistic to think you'll have an only 1 for ever and a day, or she will. Who's to say you could put yourself through all the pain and sacrifice of trying to please a partner, jumping through hoops for that person, missing out on your own pleasure, that they don't turn around and leave you or a host of other things that can happen. What is the point, it's like living in the future. Be happy now, don't live life like it's a rehearsal, you only get one chance, godammit I don't understand why people treat love and sexual satisfaction as a chore, it's supposed to be fun and before the regulars jump on me, I know the op has a baby, wife is a new mother, if you want to be faithful dude, you probably should get off here, it won't end well. I honestly wish you well but would never go down that path again myself
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RHP User
10 years ago
Big questions that I can't answer on my phone. Suffice to say billions of males can relate to where your at. Later when I have a bigger screen in front of me. R
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RHP User
10 years ago
I'm not suggesting your relationship is exclusive, and not trying to open a can of worms, just think people in general should put more thought into the longevity of monogamy, it was the way of the past, the accepted path, doesn't have to be anymore
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RHP User
10 years ago
2 has turned into 3. The focus has shifted. A one year old is bloody hard work. She is still a new mother, learning, worrying, trying to get into a routine (that changes practically weekly with babies) She cant switch the "mum" part off. (If she is back at work, then she may feel a little guilty as well) your wife is still trying to get all her shit together. Yes its hard. You are both so young. I wont go into the "help her with the baby and help around the house" to free her up physically, its not always about that (but it helps) I would suggest small things like sending her flowers, writing her a card and saying in it how proud you are that she is such an amazing mother to your child. Tell her how much you appriciate the job she is doing with your baby. Fuck, just smile at her and when she looks at you and says,"what are you smiling at?", tell her she looks beautiful. Dynamics of a relationship change, you are both in a different faze and both learning to adjust.
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RHP User
10 years ago
really like willows suggestions of flowers , telling her what a great job she's doing etc
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RHP User
10 years ago
There are MANY factors possibly at play here, and I won't go into the medical ones, or those related to what your relationship may have been like before the baby. So I will just delve into the element of change in dynamic that has taken place. Long answer short..... she is in her Motherhood phase.... which has generated a massive change in her hormones, her behaviour patterns and her emotions. What she needs right now is Level-13 support to acclimate to this change. She was a living breathing sexual human being before the baby came into the world... thats how the baby came to exist! Your role, as partner, is to now give her that support.... patience and respect... and if you continue to be masculine, show leadership, parental capability, reliability and respect.... she will blossom when the pressures of a baby lessen. Its not about you right now.Its about Family.
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RHP User
10 years ago
There's been plenty of good advice here Mick ... your problem i not a new one, and you're not alone. If you can arrange/afford it I suggest you try talking to a relationship therapist of some sort. They're not all good, so don't just accept the first one who comes along unless they're fabulous. Your wife has been open to your tricky questions in the past - I'd give her a try with your current concerns too, and whether she'd be ready to talk it through constructively with (a) you, and then maybe (b) a professional as well. Good luck, mate.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' Quoting 'langton11' I've been in a VERY similar boat to you. Actually, that's how I came to RHP originally; through frustration I guess. I think what was paramount for me was learning patience and being able to step back to get a better view of what was happening around me e.g. if the wife was going off at me, what was the real underlying issue and what could I do to avoid this happening next time. For me, sex did take a back seat for some time e.g. once a fortnight sorta thing and in any case, like you, it was the intimacy that I really missed (and which led me here). I'd also like to be clear that despite being here I have never been unfaithful, nor do I think I would be. I feel a LOT of marriages crumple within this period, it is often a test so to speak. What largely got me through was firstly patience and a LOT of it. My band aid re intimacy was all my female friends which I love and adore. Although those relationship are platonic in nature, the love, cuddles and kisses meant worlds to me in that I still felt loved whilst going through a tough period. Remember, following the advice of the contributors above should set you off in the right direction, but this is a long road and intimacy is a huge thing to lose; or for me at least, I never realised until that time how much I needed it. I encourage you to pursue any safe means of helping to fill that intimacy void albeit relatives, friends, men's groups or whatever. I think it will help to balance you for everything else you need to deal with. I do not necessarily agree re the above comments re getting off RHP as I myself have found this place helpful for chilling out and having a read of general sex stuff topics that I find interesting + being a part of something outside of my day to day life. It kinda depends what you're here for; if you're here looking to bust nuts, then I'd suggest leaving because that will most likely make matters 10 X worse for you. I wish you all the very best of luck, it's not easy, but in posting this and reading your post, you seem like you have what it takes to get through this, chin up big boy, you'll be ok Though you have the strength to resist temptation, few would have that strength. Really nice post however, you wife is very lucky to have you, however I don't really see the point. It just cements my resolve to never be in a traditional kind of relationship. Never works, never has, never will, and I don't care if I get jumped on over that, I'm a realist and believe the sooner people learn to share, the happier they'll be long term. Fine to have a number 1 but it's not realistic to think you'll have an only 1 for ever and a day, or she will. Who's to say you could put yourself through all the pain and sacrifice of trying to please a partner, jumping through hoops for that person, missing out on your own pleasure, that they don't turn around and leave you or a host of other things that can happen. What is the point, it's like living in the future. Be happy now, don't live life like it's a rehearsal, you only get one chance, godammit I don't understand why people treat love and sexual satisfaction as a chore, it's supposed to be fun and before the regulars jump on me, I know the op has a baby, wife is a new mother, if you want to be faithful dude, you probably should get off here, it won't end well. I honestly wish you well but would never go down that path again myself Sigh ... just because monogamy and commitment to an ongoing relationship doesn't work for you, itouch, doesn't mean that it doesn't work for everyone. My problem, as always, with your comment, isn't that you live your life differently to the way I choose to, but that you slam others who view relationships differently. OP, I feel for you, and for your wife. I was in her position, for years. My partner at the time had no idea what to do, and got frustrated, understandably, at the lack of sex and connection between us. I wish he'd followed some of the suggestions above - encouraged me to talk to my doctor, and offered to come with me, showed me in little ways other than just physically that he loved me, and still valued me as a woman AND as a mother. If she is worth it, and your relationship is worth it, then continue to be sensitive to what she is going through, and be honest with her about what you are dealing with, but in a non-accusatory way. Focus it on "I understand that things are different now, and I love getting to grow through our relationship with you. I miss the connection between us lately though. What can I do to help you feel better?" rather than "jesus, woman, it's been days/weeks/months since I've gotten any, get it together!" (Just examples, not an indication of what I think you'd say ). Good luck.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Thanks for all the comments and feedback. Some really great advise and suggestions which has given me a lot to think about. Flowers will definitely be a good starting point. thanks again.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'PatchworkGirl' showed me in little ways other than just physically that he loved me, and still valued me as a woman AND as a mother. can you give a few concrete examples of these? I find one person might say things like "you don't show me X" and you're left thinking "why do you think I do Z or say W, should I have made up a plaque?"
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RHP User
10 years ago
slamming or having an opinion, your opinion of me perhaps? Comment on my comment, but your opinion on me, tell someone who cares
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RHP User
10 years ago
that love and sex can be two entirely different things (better when the two come together, granted), but sex is a raw basic need but no so for some
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RHP User
10 years ago
Isnt just about touching in a commited relationship. Its verbal, its support, its understanding, its giving without expecting something in return. Before you leave for work each day, give her a compliment or thank her for something she has done. And you will find that by your attitude changing, it will change her attitude and outlook.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2'slamming or having an opinion, your opinion of me perhaps? Comment on my comment, but your opinion on me, tell someone who cares That's exactly what I was doing - addressing your comment, as always, and certainly not attacking the way you choose to live your life. Unfortunately, as is common, you seem to be failing to do the same. Quoting 'S_OnTheLoose' Quoting 'PatchworkGirl' showed me in little ways other than just physically that he loved me, and still valued me as a woman AND as a mother. can you give a few concrete examples of these? I find one person might say things like "you don't show me X" and you're left thinking "why do you think I do Z or say W, should I have made up a plaque?"That's a great point, S. I would have appreciated touching that wasn't sexual. Holding my hand. Sitting next to me on the lounge, without it being aimed at leading to something. A flower picked from our garden and handed to me as he walked in the front door. Asking how my day was, and actually listening to the response, rather than getting lost in whatever was happening on facebook. Running me a bath and doing the washing up while I soaked with a book. You're right though, sometimes those kinds of gestures get lost, if the other person is so caught up in their own traumas and dramas that they don't really see them for what they are for. So, perhaps they could be accompanied by a little note, telling her that you think she is doing a great job, and that she deserves a break. Or telling her that she looks lovely today.
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RHP User
10 years ago
'as is common' attacking the person Would you like me to point out some of your 'common' opinions, which I don't happen to agree with? No, I wouldn't anyway, people comment as they see fit at the time, no need to make sweeping statements about their general opnions, that's just passive aggresive
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RHP User
10 years ago
Shocked to discover that a family member a gorgeous young woman,didn't have sex with her husband for a year because she felt so unattracive..postnatal depression was a contributing factor as well...perhaps as others have said,non physical gestures and reassurances might be the way to go... Take away the pressure and things might change...Hugs xxFreya
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MsJonesy
10 years ago
I'd like to comment one aspect of your post. Perhaps she is avoiding the intimacy part of your relationship as she feels it will lead to sex, and that she does not want that. Women and men can (and I am not assuming this is the case with you) have different views on intimacy. Some people see intimacy as the signal that sex is on the cards; some kisses and cuddles are the gateway to exchanging body fIuids...ie sex. But others see intimacy as a physical expression of feeling comfortable and happy with the person they are with, just wanting to feel their touch and feel safe. Maybe have a think about how you view intimacy, and how often it has been the lead up to sex. See if you can have a chat with your wife and let her know you are missing that important part of your relationship. And if you can live up to it - that is the key point - make a commitment to her that you would like to try to rebuild that part of your relationship...but will not pressure for sex or presume it will lead to sex. But if you blow it by making a move towards sex, then you may find she retreats even further.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' I'm not suggesting your relationship is exclusive, and not trying to open a can of worms, just think people in general should put more thought into the longevity of monogamy, it was the way of the past, the accepted path, doesn't have to be anymore Actually, I gave the wife a hall pass years ago conditional of protection and remembering who the father of her child is lol The wife has given me a couple of temporary hall passes in the past and even tee'd me up with a couple of her friends that I'd been attracted to for dates whilst she's been offshore (she said the only condition was NOT to get them pregnant lol) but due to circumstances and logic (I am an engineer after all lol), I have chosen not to take advantage of this. She wants to find a unicorn and I'd like mmf so it's a stalemate atm, if this is textbook monogamy I'll stick with it thanks. I think each to their own, if monogamy works and everyone is happy, why not. If bi bukkake gangbangs are your thing, excellent, enjoy :)
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