M40 F38
Polyamory - Where do you stand?
August 02 2012
Comments
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RHP User
13 years ago
In the middle :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
I would think most younger girls are interesting in finding a long term partner to have a family with and are not interesting in a sharing situation. And that is fair enough. I am at a different stage in my life and I really love the idea, although I know it isn't often that easy to carry off. For me I can have a few lovers I love but without all the committment and day to day stuff. I retain my freedom. What's not to love about that? :) Mind you the people I would consider this with.. Well they know if they needed me I would drop everything and come running to their aid. :) Meeka xx
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RHP User
13 years ago
Feel very much the same way, but I would ad ...I've played with couples some more than once, with strong connections and have found that it is the relationship or their connection I am very much attracted. The idea of being confidently turned on your partner being turned on is awsum. I love that in my current girlfriend, but have sometimes thoughts about what a love triangle would be like man or woman.Its an interesting topic and a turn on.
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RHP User
13 years ago
But like Meeka pointed out so perfectly, I have already had the kids, and prefer not to have to pick up after a guy on a day to day basis. But care about him I would, help him yes. But I don't want to do his washing.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Dark_Moon_Lilith' But like Meeka pointed out so perfectly, I have already had the kids, and prefer not to have to pick up after a guy on a day to day basis. But care about him I would, help him yes. But I don't want to do his washing. We never equated doing the chores for someone as an essential part of caring and romantic relationship. We're all grown ups and can do our own mundane (but necessary) activities. Would never say to a prospective partner: "Hey, you better be down with wash boarding my tighty whities or this will never work". Being able to have a life that is separate to the different partners is definitely a must.
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RHP User
13 years ago
We like the idea of a Polyhouse? Just finding the right match is of course the tricky bit, could be wonderful though ! Sharing is caring and all that ! Could be a support on so many levels . Good luck ;-)
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RHP User
13 years ago
If it works for you, then live it up and enjoy!My girlfriend is interested in a polyamorous arrangement, but I am not. I'm more than happy for her to have FWBs and neither of us can stop the possibility of emotional connections forming between her and her friends, but we do share a ground rule that we only play together. What I'm not looking forward to is the day I get overly jealous of one of her partners and I want that relationship to end. Would she be able to bring it back to just friends? Or would she get angry at me for trying to control her life? She states I am and always will be her "primary", but taking her (and my) stubborn pride into consideration I fear what would happen if I asked her to choose between me and another. That's one of the challenges of polyamory I guess.You will always find that it's far easier for your wife to find men than for you to find other women - but you have to question the motivations of those men. A large number of them likely aren't interested in a full on relationship (despite any sweet promises they whisper in her ear) - they just want a fuck buddy. It sounds like your Mrs has gotten a bit lucky with her other boyfriend though. The relative ease with which women can find lovers can bring up "ratio" issues though. If she's got regular lovers going and you have nothing but her, you might start to feel things are a bit unbalanced. When she's off with the boyfriend, what are you left to do? It's easy for jealousy and resentment to creep in. Make sure she's aware of how you feel and play carefully.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Thanks for your very considered comments. Those issues are all being considered and dealt with. I've managed to attract a few single girls and have fun with them but they haven't been interested in anything more than a shag. Still provides great story fodder though, so at least something is coming out of it. Maybe I should take it back to old fashioned rules and not shag on the first encounter. Hmmmmm....
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RHP User
13 years ago
Me in a house, three guys one the cook one the gardener one the driver and me exhausted :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
and then, Polly put the kettle on
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RHP User
13 years ago
Happy to have the one man. I dont share my toys...I dont share my boys...I will never ever be comfortable enough for that to happen, has nothing to do with insecurity. It is just not me. I love having the one man to love and look after, cherish and help. It is all that I need.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I have not yet been able to grasp the concept and willingness for open relationships, swinging and polyigimist relationships.Being able to share ones partner and loved one without jealousy is one thing but to entertain the thought that both parties date other people with a goal to add another relationship confounds me (I am hoping no one gets hurt). Toywithme brings up valid points on inequality and so forth and yes he may well be the one to pick up her broken hearts. You are both young and very open which is great but in long term relationships things go astray and couples often neglect the others simple basic needs like one on one time together, not with others. I am reminded of my aunty who was part of a swinging couple and left her husband for one of their partners, she is still with that man 35 years later. I wonderedwhat happened and assumed as is what can happen anywhere that she simply fell in love and wanted no one but him from then on (who knows they may still swing?), I thought she may have felt comfort with a man who saw no need to share his desired love.I am single at the moment and live a single life and I enjoy reading others ideas of their lifestyles. I have to admit at my age I have been totally shocked by what really goes on. I was living in the dark.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Beneath_blueeyes' I have not yet been able to grasp the concept and willingness for open relationships, swinging and polyigimist relationships...... Just to clarify, we do not agree with the concept of polygamist (or polyandry for that matter) lifestyle. To us, we find polygamy, mostly associated with a class of religion (really not trying to start a religion war, just stating what we observe), to be fundamentally sexist and exclusionary. We'd rather share the love, so to speak. To address another valid point you raise is that of one-on-one time. In our relationship we make a very big deal of having simple alone time to reconnect. This is where we can communicate about everything that is going whilst we have been apart. We cannot speak for everyone else, but we feel it is crucial for our relationship to remain healthy. We revel in sharing all our emotions together. If one of is unhappy we have agreed to let the other know and deal with before it becomes a major issue. We understand the inherent danger of this lifestyle and we know we cannot control the future, but there are measures we can take to prevent and reduce unnecessary heart arch. Also we do not pass judgment on those who choose to be monogamous. We just don't think we have to unquestionably follow what society tells us is the expected and acceptable path of living our lives. Knowing there are other options is half the battle.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'tuscanred' Me in a house, three guys one the cook one the gardener one the driver and me exhausted :) Quoting 'Hesione' and then, Polly put the kettle on Although judging from these posts, it sounds like the men should apply for a job at 'Hire-a-Hubby' and would see plenty of action. Perhaps a spin off business of 'Hire-a-Poly-Hubby' would be more apt. We would offer:- House Cleaning- Cob Web Removal from dark places- Hedge Trimming- Washing you unmentionables- Cutting your grass- Slow motion swimming pool exiting (while our staff musician plays the sax)- Preparing candle lit dinners (for you and another guy)- Flicking the 'on' switch on your vibrator (Deluxe service)
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RHP User
13 years ago
To me the situation the OP has described is an open relationship not a polyamorous one....from my understanding ( limited as it may be) a poly relationship is where all those involved live under the same roof & share everything......connecting with a lover on an emotional level & developing feelings is easy when the only time you spend together are fun, flirty & sexual.....putting that lover in a situation where they have to put up with the dark moods & take care of you when your sick & all the other things vanilla things that make a life, that's a whole different ball game........just saying
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RHP User
13 years ago
Let me start with I believe it can work, however I have a few questions.How would you then make time for your primary? I calendar on the fridge so you know if you get to spend time with your wife or not?How would you deal with the New Relationship Energy (NRE)? It would be hard not to let those great new feelings take over and want to spend more time with the new partner than your primary because it is just so damn exciting. What if you confused the NRE with real love and started to want to lose the primary all together?I (male) have a hard enough time dealing with one woman and pleasing all her needs let alone having to do it for another as well. Would you have to be there for them through their down and emotional times too? Is it a proper relationship or can you choose what you want to have in it. Maybe there should be a contract with ticked boxes as to what you want or don't want.I believe that forming a relationship with who we swing with makes it soooo much better and the sex improves as you learn what each other loves but as for a proper relationship..... not sure I could handle it. As for your problem My Cheek, maybe you need a written letter from Mrs Cheek saying you are allowed to date other women or else every girl will just think you are a dirty cheater ;-)
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RHP User
13 years ago
He would just say , my wives do not understand me the whole seven of em
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RHP User
13 years ago
I the feeling dies, it was not love. Pretty special, but not love.The trick is having a heart big enough to cope with that.Small heart, only one love. Maybe for your whole life.Big heart, all aboard!! In my case one at a time I think. But why should it be one at a time for everyone?
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'beachbelle' How on earth does this work mr and mrs cheek? I just dont get it. So mrs cheeky has a partner and a boyfriend? How is he a boyfriend, does she see him all the time, are they exclusive to each other (obviously not if shes with her partner) or is he just more of a friends with benefits or a fuck buddy? Im afraid i cant quite grasp the concept here if you two are partners of nine years. How olds the other 'boyfriend' and is he ok with all of this and not looking for an unattached 'girlfriend'? Its hard enough to please one person in a relationship which explains why there are so many of us singles on here. This just does not compute with me. We would argue that the majority of people out there are non-monogamous. You would only have to look at how many relationships breakdown due to 'cheating' - the ugly side of non-monogamy - to see how many people are non-monogamous and carry it out in destructive ways. Many would include words like ethical, consensual, and honesty to explain polyamory. Everyone has their own spin on it. But isn't that the point? To make what you want out of it: not to mention life. We do not understand those who argue that you can only have one meaningful and loving relationship with one person at a time. Can you only have one friend at a time? Or do you have many friends, each of whom you share parts of you life with? How does exclusivity equate to a more meaningful relationship? And whilst sex is a component of the relationship it is not necessarily the defining feature.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Tuscan you're a girl after my own heart!
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RHP User
13 years ago
I had a councilor tell me that most relationships fail over arguments about money..She said "Cheating", and I feel that is the wrong word for it, usually causes a few problems, but is often not the real cause a relationship ends.. Often the cheating is caused by the real cause.. Quoting 'TonguEnCheek762' We would argue that the majority of people out there are non-monogamous. You would only have to look at how many relationships breakdown due to 'cheating' - the ugly side of non-monogamy -
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RHP User
13 years ago
I had a recent conversation with a very dear friend with benefits where we talked about what relationship we actually had. We decided that "lover" was the most appropriate label. I genuinely care more for her than for a friend with benefits, no matter how good that friendship may be. And yet neither of us have issues with being non-exclusive. I had thought polyamory was a really strange concept, but now I find myself thinking.....would I want to give up my lover to pursue another relationship. Thankfully that is not a choice I have had to make yet! So polyamory is definitely something I am wondering about, perhaps this makes me polyamourus, I am not sure. But one thing I do know is that if someone told that they were polyamourus, my reaction would now be different and far more accepting. For many of the reason other posters have already stated, I doubt I will end up being truly polyamourus, I could most certainly accept and live with it but I am certain it is unlikely I would find a new partner who was equally accepting. I have a lot of myself to give and I certainly feel I can give that honestly and openly with more than one person. I also accept that my partner or partners may be built the same way. The chances of meeting someone else like that and falling for them are just remote. Another waffly piece of forum writing from me I am afraid! Sorry about the lack of paragraphs and spacing, I think the new iPad hates me lol.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Admittedly we have no statistical evidence back up that statement of ours. Also we do not disagree with you about why a relationship truly breaks down. Although we still ask isn't 'cheating' still non-monogamous behaviour? Are you saying it's not non-monogamous if the cause is money or anything else not related to the simple desire to get your freak on?Regardless of other relationship issues. Many people still find, or justify, the need to have non-monogamous sex/relationships, without the their partners knowledge. Quoting 'LittleRedEngine' I had a councilor tell me that most relationships fail over arguments about money..She said "Cheating", and I feel that is the wrong word for it, usually causes a few problems, but is often not the real cause a relationship ends.. Often the cheating is caused by the real cause.. Quoting 'TonguEnCheek762' We would argue that the majority of people out there are non-monogamous. You would only have to look at how many relationships breakdown due to 'cheating' - the ugly side of non-monogamy -
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'tuscanred' He would just say , my wives do not understand me the whole seven of em More than likely right. . My partner says he would be happy with a polyamorous relationship.....just not in the same house...two women with periods at the same time...ooooooh yeah!
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hi there, I have so much to say on this topic but without wanting to say TOO much and bore you.....I'll try to get straight to your topic question. Women are "emotional" which is why we are "mothers"...the more nurturing part of a relationship. Men are a lot less emotional etc (nothng you didn't know....) but obviously men can seperate love from lust so much easier than women. (I think perhaps I'm missing a few of those emotional hormones...yet I'm very feminine.) Women in their 20's...especially early twenties hardly know themselves sexually and emotionally to understand the difference. Most can hardly grasp the concept of loving themselves, let alone the difference between passion, love, lust etc with someone other than your immediate loving partner. They have that idealistic "Marry with the dream wedding, have children and live happily ever after" thought in their heads. Society and religion has indoctrined this monogamous belief through generations...centuries...of dogma. It's not until alot of women get into their thrities...that they start to know their sexuality and then you'll probably find 1 in 100 (my guess - prob wrong), that can actually distinguish love from lust and passion and understand how good it can be with multiple partners. How good it can be to even see your partner with someone else, as some of us do. What a damn hot turn on!!! What ALOT of couples don't realise...is that the sex does start to get monotonous for one or the other eventually. Seeing other people can keep the flame alive.......how nice is it to be able to fantasise........... I think it's absolutely FANTASTIC you two can do this, and be who you are without secrets. How many marriages would be saved if both partners could be confident enough in their love to be free! Of course there are always instances where this can go horribly wrong. LIke any relationship. However, it sounds like you two have the right tactic..you have your own "together" time to "regroup" catch up....my partner and I do that as well. I would say that Miss TiE has carefully selected her guy. There is another issue in amongst this and it's passionate "love-making" compared to a "fuck." I tend to want to be able to communicate with guys on an equal level- I need my head to be there too... and if a one on one, I want passion...I want "rip my clothes off now" passion. Not JUST fucking. Mindless fucking I can go and get at a club Friday night. Completely pointless for me, and as someone has brought up on this thread...alot of guys are after it. Those men aren't "lovers"...they wouldn't have the first idea about being a lover. It is fairly easy to determine them though, once you've had one, maybe two exchanges with them;) Great topic...apologies...seems I wrote more than I thought. PS: I am not meaning to be offensive and I LOVE this site for the fact that there are so many beautiful young women who obviously are confident in themselves and their partner to be free and act on it. It's fantastic....and sexy ha! Female: In Love With Lust
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'TonguEnCheek762' Quoting 'beachbelle' How on earth does this work mr and mrs cheek? I just dont get it. So mrs cheeky has a partner and a boyfriend? How is he a boyfriend, does she see him all the time, are they exclusive to each other (obviously not if shes with her partner) or is he just more of a friends with benefits or a fuck buddy? Im afraid i cant quite grasp the concept here if you two are partners of nine years. How olds the other 'boyfriend' and is he ok with all of this and not looking for an unattached 'girlfriend'? Its hard enough to please one person in a relationship which explains why there are so many of us singles on here. This just does not compute with me. We would argue that the majority of people out there are non-monogamous. You would only have to look at how many relationships breakdown due to 'cheating' - the ugly side of non-monogamy - to see how many people are non-monogamous and carry it out in destructive ways. Many would include words like ethical, consensual, and honesty to explain polyamory. Everyone has their own spin on it. But isn't that the point? To make what you want out of it: not to mention life. We do not understand those who argue that you can only have one meaningful and loving relationship with one person at a time. Can you only have one friend at a time? Or do you have many friends, each of whom you share parts of you life with? How does exclusivity equate to a more meaningful relationship? And whilst sex is a component of the relationship it is not necessarily the defining feature. Well Im not sure about the majority being non monogamous as I dont know where you get your facts from there exactly. I do agree with you to some extent though, I know its hard for me to be monogamous as I've failed miserably at it several times. Ive been a swinger and I've also been cheated on with the same partner so it didn't work for us but that's not to say that it doesn't or cant work for some people.You cant really equate having friends with having numerous boyfriends either. You can have numerous friends and spread yourself around, you can have numerous kids and family and spread your love around, you can have numerous lovers and spread your sex around. But we're now throwing sex into the mix and that's where jealousy comes into it, its human nature after all, even friends and family get jealous too at times or feel they are being left out or get their noses out of joint. So the other boyfriend is not just for sex then? Whatever works for you I guess, good on you for making it work so far. Im saying that its hard enough to make one relationship work let alone two and at the same time. Its hard work, it takes lots of time and effort to make it work and even then it can go pear shaped for various reasons. Surely exclusivity has everything to do with the relationship, how else do you decide which one you are going to put all your effort into? Im quite open minded after all, Im just curious as to how you make this work really. It just does is your answer, so maybe it just does for now. I've never in my whole life known anyone personally who has done this but the norm is changing and anything is and can be the norm these days. Which one do you take home to meet your mother? I can tell you now that if my daughter did this I'd tell her that shes crazy.
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RHP User
13 years ago
consider a loving relationship with a couple....x Hugs H
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'InLoveWithLust' Hi there, I have so much to say on this topic but without wanting to say TOO much and bore you.....I'll try to get straight to your topic question. Women are "emotional" which is why we are "mothers"...the more nurturing part of a relationship. Men are a lot less emotional etc (nothng you didn't know....) but obviously men can seperate love from lust so much easier than women. (I think perhaps I'm missing a few of those emotional hormones...yet I'm very feminine.) Women in their 20's...especially early twenties hardly know themselves sexually and emotionally to understand the difference. Most can hardly grasp the concept of loving themselves, let alone the difference between passion, love, lust etc with someone other than your immediate loving partner. They have that idealistic "Marry with the dream wedding, have children and live happily ever after" thought in their heads. Society and religion has indoctrined this monogamous belief through generations...centuries...of dogma. It's not until alot of women get into their thrities...that they start to know their sexuality and then you'll probably find 1 in 100 (my guess - prob wrong), that can actually distinguish love from lust and passion and understand how good it can be with multiple partners. How good it can be to even see your partner with someone else, as some of us do. What a damn hot turn on!!! What ALOT of couples don't realise...is that the sex does start to get monotonous for one or the other eventually. Seeing other people can keep the flame alive.......how nice is it to be able to fantasise........... I think it's absolutely FANTASTIC you two can do this, and be who you are without secrets. How many marriages would be saved if both partners could be confident enough in their love to be free! Of course there are always instances where this can go horribly wrong. LIke any relationship. However, it sounds like you two have the right tactic..you have your own "together" time to "regroup" catch up....my partner and I do that as well. I would say that Miss TiE has carefully selected her guy. There is another issue in amongst this and it's passionate "love-making" compared to a "fuck." I tend to want to be able to communicate with guys on an equal level- I need my head to be there too... and if a one on one, I want passion...I want "rip my clothes off now" passion. Not JUST fucking. Mindless fucking I can go and get at a club Friday night. Completely pointless for me, and as someone has brought up on this thread...alot of guys are after it. Those men aren't "lovers"...they wouldn't have the first idea about being a lover. It is fairly easy to determine them though, once you've had one, maybe two exchanges with them;) Great topic...apologies...seems I wrote more than I thought. PS: I am not meaning to be offensive and I LOVE this site for the fact that there are so many beautiful young women who obviously are confident in themselves and their partner to be free and act on it. It's fantastic....and sexy ha! Female: In Love With Lust Not too long at all. We appreciate the generous input into the forum.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Sexymylf, the majority of people being non-monogamous is fact for us because of the observations we have that the majority of people that we know, including those in 'exclusive' relationships, have been intimate with someone else, either on a physical or emotional level: or both. The facts may be different for other people and it's all about what you see around you.Of course this life can't work for everyone. Life is fluid and dynamic. There is no one size fits all. Embrace change. And any other somewhat cliched sentiment about how you can't predict life's outcomes. People should really ask themselves what will make them happy. If the answer is to be with one person for life, then that's great. Some might like to bounce from one relationship to another very quickly. Others, like us, like to have more than one at the same time with the others knowledge. It was a tad saddening to read that you would cast a judgement on your own daughter without understanding what makes her happy and fulfilled. But whatever works for.
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MsRisQ
13 years ago
Heya guys, I'm in a poly relationship with my hubby (he and his girlfriend have been together for about 4 years now). I had a long term boyfriend a while back, and while not everything is meant to last, if the right person came along I'd be there in a heartbeat. You're right in posing the question on the acceptance as a lifestyle choice. People do regularly quiz you but finish with "I could never do that". So I guess that just means that the pool of fish that we as polyamorists cast our net in is significantly less stocked. Being poly means you take absolutely nothing for granted- boundaries, experiences, needs, wants and desires, Your own and your significant others. It completely redefines you and how you approach your relationships. You learn to own your jealousy, understand it's causes and then diffuse the envy, so in that alone it make the entire experience so worthwhile. I have my fingers crossed for you guys, it's a truly rewarding experience and here's hoping that the right someone will fall in Mr's lap tomorrow.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hi! Hun :) Thanks for the cool Topic .. From a Personal Point of view I'm all for It!! If everyone concerned including the Children are accepting of the Relationship... My Sister 67 yrs formerly a Grandma in the truest sense ..Deakon of her Church..has changed from the Normal Marriage since her Partner died...to a Polyamory 1 with a former Friend/Lover and his Wife.. Both Pensioners ..She invited them to come liver with her in her Home..So who says it's only a choice for the younger ages he!he! I think it's Wonderful I couldn't stop Laughing stirring them in a fun way when I found out but .I still tease her a little about their set up Sexually ..Mainly just to see her Blush he!he!. They all Love eachother very much She's never been Happier....infact it's been a very Positive move for all of them in every way .. Each has their set Positions which stops any hassles ..My Sis goes to work at the Local Radio Station and other things.. Bill looks after the Garden and the Ladies he!he! does the Man chores.. Ruth is the home maker... all excell in their rolls ..They have Children too some Adults but a couple of younger residing with them.. They explained it to them and there's been no upsets.. Kids are very accepting when their Parents are Happy they know they're Loved and cared for.. I admit for me it would be 2 Guys sharing My home/Life with me if I ever considered that kind of Reklationship.. So go for It if you haven't already ...Cheers Lu :)
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Paradisepair
13 years ago
Once the shine wears off and the domestics kick in. But I do believe if people are emotionallly mature and secure enough it could work... For some.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Some of the posts here are very generous and honest and I love the sharing, Thank You.I do want to add though, I find the idea of a primary in a polyamorous relationship a bit contradictory. I understand that in the first instance as the concept develops this is a case of reassurance and maintaining confidence.Clearly, there are various forms of relationships that would exist with the definition of a poly household, however, for me the ideal (and that is what is is, an ideal) all tree partners would have an equal status and attraction. The connection we normally feel between the two would exist over the triangle of individuals with equity in connection, love and responsibility and commitment. That is a very attractive ideal as far as I can imagine. The question becomes can this exist in reality.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'zenfun' Some of the posts here are very generous and honest and I love the sharing, Thank You.I do want to add though, I find the idea of a primary in a polyamorous relationship a bit contradictory. I understand that in the first instance as the concept develops this is a case of reassurance and maintaining confidence.Clearly, there are various forms of relationships that would exist with the definition of a poly household, however, for me the ideal (and that is what is is, an ideal) all tree partners would have an equal status and attraction. The connection we normally feel between the two would exist over the triangle of individuals with equity in connection, love and responsibility and commitment. That is a very attractive ideal as far as I can imagine. The question becomes can this exist in reality. The primary relationship does seem at odds with the overall concept at times. We suppose it's more a practical aspect of day to day living as well as what the majority of society deem acceptable. Anything that would require a third party's involvement (e.g. a bank) may offer resistance. The issue of children must also play a significant factor in two people being each others primary and the rest as secondaries. Does the department of Birth, Deaths and Marriages allow 3 or more parents on a birth certificate? For some poly folk, the answer is sadly a no. Also what type of triangle are you preferring? A male and two women or a women and two men? We listen to a podcast called "Life on the Swingset" and the resident poly speaker, Shira, is now co-habitating with her husband and her boyfriend. They split nights together, along with the chores and caring for the child. Still think she regards her husband as primary but everything else seems shared and mutual.What are the thoughts on a square relationship? As in four people in any combination - MFMF, MMMF, FFFM. Does that foreseeably work under one roof?
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