Do you push your boundaries/rules?

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  RHP User

  4 years ago

  Wonderful topic.yes we discuss rules and boundaries and expectations with every meet. We consider rules to be our fundamental non negotiable that we expect to never change. For example; no seperate play and always play safe, use protection, regular health checks. And #1 is always protect our relationship Boundaries I'd say are more centered around what activities or scenarios we are comfortable with at the current point in time. These may change as we grow or evolve. For example we started with hotwifing only mfm. After a year and growing together we re-evaluated and decided to try couples play. It was almost another year before we were interested in trying fmf. Also certain acts in the bedroom fetishes or kinks or fantasies remain in the boundaries list. I'd say a rule is a foundational value between yourself and your partner that is to be protected above all. A boundary is something you're not quite excited by or comfortable with, but in the right scenario, with the right people, and the right communication you might be open to considering reassessing it.

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  CandiKane

  4 years ago

  (Mr. Replying) Really appreciate this topic. You've drawn attention to something we have not considered properly. When you posed the question "Is there any difference between rules and boundaries?" The answer was and easy yes but couldn't have told you why. Your and HoneyAndTheBee's ideas certainly ring true for me and after pondering it for a while I would love to know your thoughts on what I believe is true for me. Boundaries are an individual thing. Only you can really know what yours are and you retain the right to push or break them as you please. As HoneyAndTheBee suggested, they can very in a moment given the right person, place or mood. We often don't really know what our boundaries are until we test them and pushing them can be the most rewarding thing in the word. For me, this is key to learning and growing as a person, the very process and journey I share with my partner in mutual love, support and encouragement as a couple. Rules relate to the couple and define limits and expectations of behavior. They are mutually agreed and formed through discussion of all things including each others boundaries. They form the framework in which we help each other explore and grow and are essential to avoiding hurt and harm. Both boundaries and rules are dynamic, Whilst boundaries may change on a whim, rules require re-negotiation and agreement to change.

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  RHP User

  4 years ago

  When we started we had rules. As the male half I didn't set them but knew not to break them. My wife broke every rule she had set. Not that it bothered me so long as she felt comfortable playing. Had I broke them I doubt I'd be able to text this.😁 I have no rules for her as I wish her to feel that she should be as comfortable as possible fulfilling her needs, wants and desires. She has her boundaries which have moved gradually over the years but some are set in concrete. I find other couples put limits on their partners which is a possible clue to their insecurity or maybe a power play. I see this activity as a way of making friends and socialising with other people who are comfortable with their bodies and desire to explore sexual scenarios that can't be achieved just as a couple. Getting a partner who is similarly inclined is rare so there may well be difficulties in getting fulfilment in what we desire unless both parties have a strong desire to see their parner reach their respective goals.

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  Mrs_Deep_Love

  4 years ago

  Polyam peeps still have boundaries and rules! We are not all green haired, hippy style relationship anarchists. 🤣

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  ExhibitionistEve

  4 years ago

  Yes, I think there’s a difference between rules and boundaries. There is a distinction I learned from poly circles and reading More Than Two - rules are restrictions we impose on others (often mutually agreed) vs boundaries are the non negotiable limits we decide for ourselves. Rules - things that affect others / preferences Boundaries - things that affect self / hard limits Over time things can unfold differently to how we imagined them and desires may shift, which seems to result in a lot of couples eventually renegotiating their rules as their comfort levels change. However I think boundaries should not be up for discussion and the goal is to work within them not push them. No other person gets a say in someone’s boundaries, which would be big stuff like sexual orientation or being risk averse with STIs. I don’t think I can 100% control or trust others’ behaviour so I am more comfortable setting boundaries rather than rules in my own relationships. For example with safe sex - I prefer to set my own boundaries about risk (safe sex only), rather than entering into a fluid bonded arrangement with rules about what risks my partner would take in my absence. Nor do I necessarily WANT to control others’ behaviour even if I thought I could. For example I have a boundary that I won’t be with someone who betrays / cheats on me, but I don’t have rules about my partners’ interactions with the opposite sex to prevent it. I’d rather be with someone who turns down the opportunity to cheat because they genuinely don’t want to, than someone who might but simply lacks opportunities or is forced to be sneaky. If they are prone to cheating (yes it can happen in nonmonog couples too), their true colours will always come out eventually, so the sooner I find out the better so I can stop wasting my time on a dealbreaker and enforce that boundary by exiting the relationship. That being said I can also see how for most couples, creating rules has the opposite effect it does for me and actually INCREASES trust and makes them feel MORE secure in the relationship. Whatever works for them, as long as they are clear with me about what is and isn’t on the table if they are inviting me into their bedroom. ;)

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  Funcouple1212

  4 years ago

  I think boundaries were set at the beginning for a good reason, and trouble begins when you start breaking them yourself or allowing them to be broken.

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  Two_Tarts

  4 years ago

  Like most couples we started off with a range of rules about how we would interact with others. They were mainly about us as a couple. They could be seen as rules of engagement as to how we interacted with our new friends. Basically our expectations of each other and limits on either particular acts or types if behaviour that we wanted each other to adhere to. We also had our own individual boundaries, but they were more about the limits of what each of us was wanting to explore for ourselves. We thought we had thoroughly contemplated and discussed the scenarios we would find ourselves in and that the rules we had gave us a clear road map and it would be simple to follow and deliver what we wanted.....or what we thought we wanted from what we imagined was available. We no longer use the term "rules" Instead we now prefer to refer to our general anticipation of how we will engage with the rest of the world and our expectations of each other and "guidelines" We found that rules failed to take into account the very fluid nature of interactions with others. You are either on the right side or the wrong side of a rule. On occasions our rules resulted in artificially restricting a joyful exchange that all actually wanted at the time. Or it created an almost artificial need for punishment for relatively minor infractions occurring in the heat of the moment. There were also special encounters where we would go home having broken every rule we thought we had where both of us had such an amazing time that we couldn't stop talking about how great it was. The concept of "guidelines" for us is a relatively small semantic change. The main difference is that emotionally it allows and endorses a greater range of flexibility to the individual circumstance and the moment. So yes, while our actual course has not changed much over time, our rules and also our boundaries have shifted. That allows us more flexibility to engage in a more fluid, responsive, and indulgent way with our friends when those "fuck yes" opportunities come along. Most of that change has been based on trust and experience that came with time and open communication.

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  DonnaBrett

  4 years ago

  We've been in the scene for over 20 years now. We don't really have any rules or boundaries except for it's always safe sex...that's not an option or open for discussion. Apart from that we play together, separately, threesomes, foursomes and moresomes. We on occasion will also have overnight play dates alone. It's all good oh...except for bi guys...give that a wide pass LOL

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