Mother superior and a young novice nun are riding in the back of a cab. When stopped at lights, a scruffy Negro approaches and knocks on the window. " Quick" says mother superior " Show him your cross, show him your cross!". So the young nun winds down the window and shouts "Get lost you ugly bastard".

what do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Kick her out!

I can't believe it, after 20 years of marriage my wife still complains when I use her toothbrush....well if anyone else knows a better way of getting dog poo off your golf shoes I'm all ears!

If you had a choice of being stomped to death by a gang of armed mexicans or having sex with Susan Boyle, what sort of shoes would you like them to wear?

Why when you go to the toilet are your poo's tapered? So your arse doesn't shut with a bang

All jokes aside for a moment, I'd like to share with you a few actual occurences which give creedence to the theory of natural selection.

The other day, police responded to an alarm. When they got to the address, they found a leg sticking through the cieling. The cieling gave way and the would-be burgular fell to the floor at the officers' feet.

Last week, an irish man and a french man took pictures of themselves breaking into and vandalising an establishment. They absent mindedly left the camera behind.

Recently, a corpse was discovered in the airconditioning ducts of a bank. It's believed the man tried to break into the bank to rob it but couldn't get past the airconditioning unit. Apparently the body had been there for some time.

The best has to be the armed robber in the U.S. several years back. He wasn't satisfied with the co-operation he was getting so decided to shoot someone as an example but his pistol misfired. To try to see what went wrong, he looked down the barrel and pulled the trigger again. He was not available for comment, ....ever again.

All true stories.

 

And orders 6 shots of Jagermeister. As the bar man gets the drinks he asks," are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blow job" the guy says. "Well in that case let me get you a 7th on the house" "No offence" the guy says "but if 6 shots won't get ride of the taste, nothing will!"

"My husband's been missing for a week. The police told me to expect the worst. ....So I went down to St. Vinnies and got all his clothes back."

hehehehe, I could go on all night.

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever
aired on British TV and radio:




              1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is
really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'


              2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens
loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'


              3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was
amazing!'


              4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race
1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is
kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'


              5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie
(Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his
wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I
just said??'


              6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages
on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'


              7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,
because they were laughing so hard!


              8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros
felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'


              9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look
North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a
cold night like this. '


              10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on
'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every
chance he gets.'


              11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester
cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse
coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each
other and he's only come in his shorts.'


              12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and
his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some
weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by
himself.'

"How can I help you?" he asks.

Ï have all these marks." she explains, displaying grazes on her hands and knees.

The doctor looks tthem over and says, "There's no problem here. I'll give you an ointment that will clear these up in no time. If you don't mind me asking, how did you come by these marks?"

"Well, it's a little embarassing," she replied, "but when I have sex, I like to have it doggy style."

"That's all well and good,"said the doctor, "but considering the outcome, wouldn't you be better off having sex laying flat on your back?"

"Well, I tried that." she explained, "but the dog kept licking my face."

the one about the baby seal that walked into the heavymetal club