to me it seems like he just needed you for the time being......like a child with a toy, once he has it he plays with it for a while till he gets bored.....then tries another.....when that gets boring and no more new toys, u go back to the old..........

im not saying that everyone is like this but hearing your story is what i think of above....

why not go a week or two without contact to him? see how he responds then.............. might be an indication then of what he truly wants out of u and the relationship that you have....

he might feel smothered? eh who knows really. i dont even know my own mind to say whats in others :P

just from this sentance alone....

"he does make me happy yet when he drinks as he does ea day he can get very agro and aggressive as he did with his ex and I was told he cheated on her too."

i say get the hell out NOW....do not leave yourself or your daughters in this situation any longer

dont contact him again, he is not worth it....if he drinks daily like you say and gets aggressive and agro

RUN and run NOW

you and your daughters dont need it

plus i agree totally with the gorgeous bubbaJ

roxxy

Ok, this is cutting and pasting from  your post:

- We both don't want committment we just love each others company the fun we have everything we do we enjoy.

So, where or what is the problem exactly?

I also have to ask, as I ask every other woman on here that says "he has a profile on here" or "he has reactivated his profile"...umm how come you have a profile up? Did you get rid of yours when all this was going on with him...or have you simply just opened it again because he did? Or maybe you never closed it?

Goes and sits in the confussed couch

xFunlovingx

When you read it like that it is very obvious. But what is painfully obvious is how much it is upsetting your life. If it was all good and all right you wouldn't be feeling like this. Lot's of good advice from the girls. If I was there I would take away the phone and have some girl nights with lots of teary chick flicks and comedy nights. Find a girlfriend close like that and cut him off. In 6 months do drop by the forums just to tell us about the great guy you did meet who u r so happy with now.

If your not strong enough yet I do understand but meet us back here very soon and let's go through it again one more time. You wont keep doing it to urself forever.

We are here for you.

Miss K

With the committment side I was with my ex of 9yrs he was abusive vilent domestically and physically and did it in front of my babies.  We were removed from our home and in a womens shelter for 2 months last year my girls and I are settled in a lovely lil place past 18months and If i have trust issues then I can't committ to the living together, share bank accounts if you know what I mean.  I have never de activated my account as 'B' wanted me to keep an eye out for couples and others for us for fantasies yet I didn't come on here near 4mths and I was told by someone who knew the 2 of us by meeting through here last year that he had got intouch with her in the state he is in for fun and sent her pics of his bits and she said she wouldn't got there - He would surely be going to clubs and stuff to maybe try picking up, I believe he hasn't yet but worried he will.  as he said to me before his outburst last week he wouldn't do any of that unless I was there... when he drinks he gets flirty and last Sat before last I was at his with 2 gals I met he took them out to the pub in the small town he lives and came back with one of the girls guys - the girls came in and said to me as I was in bed 'B said your not his girlfriend' that really annoyed me as the night before he said I was and the past few weeks. The girls went out I thought about it for a few mins then I go to the lounge and the gal who had a guy there was sitting on B knee at the comp with his arms round her and pecking her on the cheek it really hurt me I got upset and asked why why why... She said she not interested in B but the guy there with her.  Well B decided to have a major hissy fit at me treated me like I didnt exist in the room and spoke to me like dirt when he did.  When they first got back B came and jumped on me in the bed kissing me asking me to get up and the other 3 saw it, he blames me for mood changes but when your with someone for 5months 7months outta 9mths and the heart is involved and he tells me all these nice things about me and us and my girls why wouldnt I get upset with him flirting saying I wasnt his girlsfriend when prior I was... I keep intouch with the sister of the girls he flirted with and she was very pissed off with the way they behaved.  He says things without thinking which are insulting and it is only when he has drank too much.  I know he has a sweet caring sensitive side when he hasnt been drinking.  I have had the feeling the whole time he will always only ever LOVE HIS EX WIFE... he wont move on from his past he ruiend, he wont allow me into his heart when I supposively make him happy and he enjoys all that we do, he won't allow me or anyone to make him happy.  I know how hurt and angry he feels inside with his girls overseas - but hey I have been through alot too not just the past 9yrs my whole life. B know's it and I keep reminding him to let go of the past he wont get it back allow himself to be happy than hide behind the drink that this time right now will not last forever with the situation he is in....  He always got jealous of my guy friends or if I talked about 1 of them too often, yet I am not allowed to be upset and feel jealous when he actually flirts with my girlfriends or some random at the pub.... I want the sobar nice caring sweet B to come out and be there all the time, learn how to handle the drink all I have ever asked frim him is honesty, respect and appreciation times I do times I don't and I am always giving my all in so many ways.  I don't hear from him while away one email to be a smartass and a txt yesterday as his ex to be told him I had been messaging her when I hadn't at all i put a comment on her msn profile but deleted it and she wouod have got the email from it and I told him when I did and he read it - he txt me yesterday saying I have made it harder for him to speak to his girls and she has said to stop messaging her... Don't blame me... It was ok for his ex to add herself to my MSN profile though wasn't it a couple of months ago to sticky nose and I deleted her for the sake of B and he always sticks up for her, when it comes to me yet he bitches all the time about her and then bitches to her and anyone else about me refers me to 'PSYCHO' instead of my name - and then nice to all our faces.  This is what I don't get I want to help him as he can be a good person and such a great Dad too.... Even treats my girls well and they adore him.  I think your right though dont bother with him he knows where I am - Also to the comment feeling smothered, I am the one who felt it sometimes as he was always asking and insisting for me to see him - I would say lets just wait til Fri or what not as I would rather spend time with him when My girls are with their dad.  But he always ends up saying he misses me, how we can just chilax snuggle on the couch and do all the things PARTNERS DO and then open up to me how he feels etc and then I get upset from him flirting and saying why did he say I wasn't his girlfriend and I am the bad one when he was swearing and being nasty to me all night even called the police wanting me to go wen I was sitting on the couch talking to the other girls minding my business like WTF....  He flew out tues sat asks me to go c him off at the airport but when finding out his old tricks he is upto again I couldnt do it I would have slapped his face... Wouldnt have been worth it.  If he don't make some changes then I want nothing more and he will end up lonely and miserable for not allowing me especially into his heart to keep on making him happy.... As he does make me happy and secure etc IT IS JUST THE DRINKING WHEN HE HAS HAD ENOUGH.... Arrggghhhh!!! We all deserve happiness. B is the only guy I have wanted to be with since my ex and it is very difficult to let go of him. It is hard for now... I know I will get through it whatever the outcome will be and I will keep you posted. P.S. I know so many guys who are married or committed and they cheat all the time.... If you love someone why do it... love is when they complete you fulfil you can't live without yet to cheat to me you arent being fulfilled or completed which means it isn't LOVE maybe just lust and think it is LOVE I don't believe in it leave the one your with if your wanting to go find others to be with - Atleast my ex of 9yrs never ever cheated on me he was faithful as I was to him, just had to leave from all my girls were seeing.... It was not nice, not at all!  Keep Smiling and keep posting your comments and advice as I do take it all on board and it does help me alot Mwah! Mwah! Em xxx

you will go ahead and stay with him anyway.

I can't believe that you wrote all that (yes I did read it all) and yet didn't wake up to what you are saying..

Go back and read what you typed..and imagine a best friend was telling you the story..what would your advice be to her?

You are trying to change a man? You want the "sober B" that is all loving and caring?

NOT GOING TO HAPPEN...

Have you ever heard the saying..."you can trust 2 people to tell you the truth...a child and a drunk".

xFunlovingx

XfunlovingX is SO right, I managed to read your post all the way through also & agree with XfunlovingX. You know what you want & you can see what he is doing.. He aint gonna change.

What if one of your Daughters was in a relationship like yours? what would you tell her to do?

Cheers

Oldog

Men climb mountains, swim seas, fight wars, and relinquish kingdoms and become better men to be with the woman they want and love....

If it is meant to be it will be-otherwise focus on yourself and your angels-seeking the love or approval of a man-especially the wrong man can only be a limiting experience for a woman.  Think of all the pleasant things you could have done for yourself and them in the place of writing/replying to this topic.

The love of your children will give you the strength and courage to do all the things you never thought possible because you are doing and achieving because of your love for them...

If you do love them you will teach them by your example that love doesn't degrade, humiliate or belittles us-it transforms us to become the best we can be, it validates and elevates us and creates joy in our lives and those around us.

Why would you want to teach your daughters anything different? Why would you want them to learn they deserve anything less?

To be loved you don't need to coax or convince a man-if he loves you and wants to be with you-you will find him near you at all available opportunities.

Teach them by your example, that a man worthy of their love treats them with respect, consideration and being available and is sensible enough to recognise true beauty and the best thing that has come into his life when he sees it.

Teach them that through being lovable and being confident about who they are and their values and choices-they will more likely recognise the man that is best for them amongst the many suitors that will pursue them when they decide it's time to pursue a relationship.

Only you can decide if you do or don't deserve better than being with a man that can't commit to you.

Only you would know why or when it was you agreed that you deserved less than you actually needed to be happy and at peace.

Thanks guys, Miss K I have been seeing a cousellor for a few years as I had a terrible up bringin and with the ex of 9yrs and she too has said people like me end up with the same sort of guy... The thing is though they sweet talk you and show you the sweet side of them the 1st few mths and then the heart becomes involved... It is so frustrating I have got many friends and a few going through the same thing. All I have tried to do is teach my girls the right way of life to tell the truth and praose them constantly as I was put down growing up by my mother and the ex daily I was always 58kg before my girls at near 6foot and he would tell me more than once a day your fat your ugly your podgy need to get you to 55kgs etc...  it does make you lose your esteem and I realised I only stayed as I thought I couldn't do better which is what he made me believe.The past 6months I have been dieting and I have lost 23kgs and I am wanting to lose some more as it is what I want to do for myself as I hated being fat after my girls the breathlessness the sweating akk the time no energy and now I have lost most of my weight I am more energized do more with my girls and abke to wear most of my clothes again pre-twns. But your right once having my girls and seeing my ex say to them their podgy etc the violence they saw ea day I became strong and that's why I got out when I had the help and chance too.  I am at the point in my life where I am getting older not younger and I want to be settled I don't want anymore on again off agin relationships.  It is to draining emotionally and mentally.  I would rather stay single and nurture my beautiful girls and be their for them 200% of the time.  It is hard to find someone who will even look at a single mum of 4yr old twins.  How do you find these guys out there who are genuine respectful appreciative and don't change at a blink of an eye... Iknow there are many out there like this I just don't know why I have the magnet for the asses - I have had 5 longer term relationships in my life and their was ever only one guy who had all the traits and qualities I desire but we were young and we moved on.  the rest have all been the same type.  HOW DO I KNOW WHO THE REAL MEN ARE???  if they are going to show you oneside to get you reeled in and then it gets harder on my mind and heart!!! I am slowly building my esteem and I have realised alot since the ex and I have always said since the ex I will not lower the standards I want in a guy and from a guy and then I met B and in the begining he had the trais and qualities then it all started turning around, and having my darling girls I will only accept a guy who will accept them and treat them as their own (even though they aren't, but you know what I mean)... Thanks you are all right in everyway with all you are saying - I just need to be rid of this MAGNET I have......  Keep Smiling E xx

these long posts arent just doing the boys heads in...im thinking i need glasses cause shit i now have a headache

im agreeing with funloving and miss K

one...you are in the same relationship as before

he is not going to change...you know that

two...bring it over to SWB

then us girls can help in a way we cant help out here

do what funloving said and reread it and think its from a friend....then think about what you would advise that friend todo

plus i agree with oldog...what would you do if this was your daughters relationship???

good luck...i think you will need it

roxxy

i want to be with the person who loves for me and cares for me when they are sober....

i want to take out the vicious physically and emotionally draining dickhead part.......

if only we could pick and choose the personality traits that we like! unfortunately everything comes as a whole and you cant get a discount for the horrible bits that might be a day or two past its used by date!

Sometimes the Universe throws us the same type of person over and over again until we learn our lesson. What happened to you as a child was not your fault and neither did you have control over it. Now as an adult you have the control on who comes into your life and who doesn't. Like attracts like! Until you stand up for yourself and stop giving your control to these arseholes .. you will keep attracting them into your life. Just for a while do the ol' root and boot routine...fulfill your sexual needs and then say "next" no matter how much you get on with them ... don't allow your heart to rule your pussy!

Alot of us adults do attract these people as we were brought up in horrid conditions with abuse and neglect, but it is up to us as adults to say ENOUGH!!

Work on your self esteem..I swear by the book "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise L Hay, she too has gone through all the abuse and survived it!

Your girls may only be 4 years old but they will be switched on to what you put up with...and unless you change yourself now and truly love yourself now...they will follow the same path as they will see this as "normal".

Alot of guys and girls don't show their true colours until they reel you in. They abuse mentally so that they do wear down your self esteem...they know then that they have you in the palm of their hands and that you will never leave as they have you believing that noone will ever want you but them.

Trust me hun, the Universe has alot of good out there waiting for you...they are just waiting for you to know and think that you DESERVE all good.

Take the time to learn to love yourself, forgive the past and let it go and when your girls are 6..you will have a loving man in your life. Don't pass up this opportunity.

Love and Light to you hun

xFunlovingx

Sad but true, Men are not naturally caring creatures we know how to get what we want & unfortunately thats usually at your expence.

As XfunlovingX said "dont allow your heart to rule your Pussy"  Gawd just look what happens to us blokes when we switch off our brains & our dicks take over!!!  Through in alchohol & what have you got  ?    A drunk Dick.

You know what you want but you FEEL  as though you dont deserve any better,  well you do!ESo Start taking responsibility for your life and for your Daughters life  I know its hard but if you plan for the future then it will happen.

O.K. Just had to re fill the glass, if I mix red wine with Honey Bourbon it shouldnt have any adverse affects should it? Nah?

Well where was I, Something deep & meaningfull OOOU I know a Quote from x Sometimes the Universe throws us the same type of person over and over again  More Bourbon    Nah ...  sometimes we go out & find the same type of person over & over again!  Point being Try moving in different circles (I didnt click on the bold icon its just deep & meaningfull or I am .. full that is)  I do some of my best stuff under the influence.

Tassie Rose, I agree Long post do do your head in  but  you dont need glasses, Just keep filling the same glass,  works for me. My head will hurt in the morning..... only by big head .. unfortunately.

Well I must go now need to create a new profile  "Lassie"  just in case this topic ends up in SWB

Besides its almost Fathers day  THEEE most important day of the year!

Gotta Love us!

Cheers

Oldog 

Clicking on post now another job well done SSoL

Hi, You have been seeing a counselor for a few years, have you made as much progress as you could have. Maybe you need to revue your goals or seek an other counselor. You need to be proactive with a counselor, most are quite happy for you to come back week after week and pay your money. You need to be making positive progress. Being as you have a professional helping you, why are you getting advice from us. But being as you asked dump him quick sharp, before your girls believe that is the kind of man for them. You need to break the cycle. Good luck and be strong. Cerrig.

Im absolutely gobsmacked at the amount of stuff you got off your

chest there Grace. At least I hope you got it off your chest and

using it to recognize the bigger picture. Whilst counselling is one way

of taking out the emotional garbage, there are many, many other

practical excercises that keeps the momentum going in a positive

direction. Distractions such as this man and his games only

serves to delay your recovery from an abusive and mentally

destructive series of events.

Funloving & Tassie, excellent responses as usual. Its posts such

as these that show how much knowledge we've aquired and how

far we've come in our own emotional evolution. Grace, I hope you

make the most of the advice and opportunities you have to move

your life in the best direction for you and your children.

I am not sure you have read my comments correctly - Thing is I have told him I don't want to be with anyone else but him and he has said the same - in the begining was friends with benefits when we went swingin but got more serious and I asked him a few times past 3 months are we a couple or what and he has said yes you could say that and we have said we don't want anyone else but each other and fulfill any fantasies together... There are all types of committments.  The committment we are not wanting was living together a ring etc but committed as in partners with each other - I have told him the same thing that I adore him care for him told him my heart has got involved 2months ago and asked if he wanted to cool it off as he has told me he will never fall inlove again - and when I asked to cool it off he insisted not too that he has strong feelings for me aswell and we have been fine until the sat before he went interstate for work he changed all of a sudden telling me he doesnt want me anymore and I get an email saying he has contacted a girl to meet up with for sexual favours - but on the other hand telling me to give him a few weeks while away... So to me he has ended us to play around interstate and then expect me to be waiting here for him when he gets back - so it isn't me that broken his heart or anything... he txt me saying he got no time for play bla bla no days off and he had y'day and today off work txt me last night has been speaking with locals where he lives to see if I have been up there and with any guys... I am not WITH any other guy and then I get an email from another girl saying he has been intouch with her today for meet up and fun....  So I have now told him not to bother asking to be with me again and not to even think of it... As My trust went with him when we met before xmas and together 2months he cheated and past 5months I have told him I still find it hard to trust after 1st time around and he kept trying to convince me it is different this time he doesnt want anyone else... and he would never hurt me like that again and he has proven it all over again he isn't someone I can trust he has been lying so much the past 3 weeks and to think he can push me away to sex it up interstate and he has contacted quiet a few chicks and then come back here and think it will all be normal - I don't think so! I made the descion after hearing he is still asking round for fun with other chicks over there that I will not be with him anymore.... So that is my update - I will get to know a guy more thoughraly from now on before getting in bed with them as I am sick of the sweet talkers use and abuse me and think it is ok to treat me like they do... NO THANKS.... :) E

Thank you both for your advice and I have taken everything in board even private emails.  After going through what I have past couple of weeks it is right there in front of my eyes HE WILL NEVER CHANGE and that is his choice tells me he doesn't want to be known like someone as my Ex, my girls dad.  Yet looking at him and seeing all the things 'B' has done and continues to do he is more similar to my Ex than he thinks.  And I don't want to go through that again, even the info on his profile is mainly lies so he is mis-leading the girls he is emailing with lies about himself. How he tells them oine minute divorced yet he isn't and then tells them his been seperated for 10months the next I hope they see the difference.  7 of the 10months he has been with me... Stupid me I guess I feel like a fool for falling for him again and believing everything he has and always asking me if he is enough for me is his privates enough for me and Ive always said yes and he says it is the same with him I was enough for him....  It is very dis-heartening.... I got through it last time he did this I am sure I will get through it this time....  Thanks all for all the advice and support and opening my eyes - I have always seen it as you all say but guess I just didn't want to see it just wanted to believe he was being honest this time..... Mwah! Mwah! E xxx

I've been blown away by how much effort you have made to vent via your written posts!!!

My advice?

DO NOT GIVE THIS MAN ANOTHER SECOND OF YOUR TIME!!!  HE GOT ANOTHER CHANCE AND HE BLEW IT...

and quite simply,

USE YOUR ENERGY MORE CONSTRUCTIVELY ON FINDING A LOVELY AND RESPECTFUL MAN :)

xxx

Good Moaning,

Just been thinking (all night) about your comment re. counselling.... I have been going on and off for the past 9years like 18months here 12months there etc... 

But it is more to do with my childhood, things I went through and My Nan passing away over 5yrs ago and the EX and all he put me through over the 9yrs aswell. 

Nothing to do with my current situation.... I do feel alot happier than I did 12-18months ago as i am sure many people have been through depression - Not a nice place to be, not at all. 

And since being out of my relationship with my ex I feel less stressed, worried, depressed I guess....  Although we all have moments where there are just days where your stressed or on a downer... My stress levels at times are alot to do with being a single mum coping thinking I am not doing a good job as a mum...  Wanting to teach my girls right from wrong and hopefully help them choose the right path and not have issues like I have had. 

And all the court stuff been going through with family and now settlement has started last week.  But hey like you have all said worry about my gorgeous girls and it is what I will now focus on and not stress or worry over things I don't REALLY need to.... 

Just thought of expressing and explaining regarding counselling.  And it does help me alot venting and getting professional advice and my current counsellor has really opened my eyes in relation to my ex.... How it wasn't my fault that my family fell apart that all the mental and emotional abuse was only his words.... 

And low & behold my ex and I get on quiet well now I believe we will finally end up being good friends for our girls. 

Mwah! Mwah! Keep Smiling, E xx