I have a regular lover but can't let my man play alone, is that fair?

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Adult Forums   \   Couples' Corner   \   I have a regular lover but can't let my man play alone, is that fair?

I have a regular lover but can't let my man play alone, is that fair?

Aug 16, 2012
symiking   Couple Man 48yrs Woman 44yrs
Mike and I have been sexually open with each other for a number of years and for the last three years I have had a regular partner also. Mike is aware but tolerates this situation.  At the same time I find it difficult to even consider mike playing alone let alone having a regular lover.  I know this is not fair.  What do others think?
Aug 17, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
neptune_drift   Man 29yrs

Well it's screaming out "unfair" to me...

But you've obviously got your own thing going on.

I'd say it's not fair if Mike wants something different. However, maybe he doesn't? My eyes have been opened recently to the hotwife/cuckold scenario, as a subset of a bdsm relationship, where the guy actually gets satisfaction out of his wife sleeping around while he is 'forbidden'. So maybe this is something to consider. However, you say he 'tolerates' your lover, which sounds pretty askew.

More likely from your description, Mike would like to take on other partners but you're uncomfortable with it. In that case, I think you really need to examine yourself, probably with professional help. Why are you uncomfortable with it? Is it a fear that he won't come back to you? Is that because you feel like leaving him when you're with someone else? Is it because you feel like he should only want you? There's a fairly obvious double-standard at play here which I think you need to probe, and it's possibly got something to do with abandonment issues.

Something you might find helpful is the book The Ethical Slut. I haven't read it personally, but I've had long conversations with a friend about it, and it describes many of these feelings, how we're socially programmed to view monogamous relationships as 'ownership' of a scarce resource that can't be shared. As I understand it it has a lot of reflection on the psychology of swinging and open relationships (and for that matter closed relationships), which I think would be useful.

It seems there's more going on underneath the surface with your situation, so address that. It's great that you have open and honest communication with Mike, which I think will help you get through what sounds like your own psychological barriers.

Good luck! x
Aug 17, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
justjuice   Couple Man 55yrs Woman 48yrs

Geez....

Whats good for one; is surely good for both.. ?  Put the shoe on the other foot,  what if it was the other way around.. You already say you dont like the idea if Mike was to do the same...  Not saying what you guys are doing is wrong,  if Mike is accepting of your situation then thats a decision you reached together as consenting adults' then go ahead and enjoy the experience..  but having different security levels surely makes it a un level playing feild...  tricky one...
Aug 17, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Smilingwithfun   Man 53yrs

Sexually open

I find it interesting that you say you have a sexually open relationship,your right, you do , Mike doesn't. Key word here is you say he tolerates the situation. Tolerates is not a word used in a open relationship i would think. Just by posting you know its not right. Whatever any one here says,it doesn't change the toleration.
Aug 17, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Araps   Couple Man 38yrs Woman 35yrs

SWF, I think you have summed it all up pretty well

Quoting 'Smilingwithfun'
    I find it interesting that you say you have a sexually open relationship,your right, you do , Mike doesn't. Key word here is you say he tolerates the situation. Tolerates is not a word used in a open relationship i would think. Just by posting you know its not right. Whatever any one here says,it doesn't change the toleration.

Am wondering op, if you would be tolerating the situation if it was reversed and he was the only person having all the fun. The situation you mention has been like it has for a couple of years. I also wonder what has changed recently to make you feel guilty about it not being fair and put up the post.
Aug 17, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
VivaCple   Couple Man 49yrs Woman 46yrs

Best to ask Mike if it's unfair.


If you're cool with it, it's fair

feeling some guilt?

maybe it's unfair

talk to Mike, see if he's still ok with it.
Aug 18, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
LittleRedEngine   Man 50yrs

Why do you have to have the same rules?

When you're in a relationship you accept the other person for what they are.  He sounds like he's doing a fair bit of the accepting.  But if that works, who cares?

Balance is a subjective thing sometimes..

Are you into each other because you have identical ideals?  Or is is something more mysterious and chemical?
Aug 18, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
brave__heart

be careful

That he's not resentful of the double-standard. If he's ok with it, fine. Bit if not, and he's not really saying so, that resentment is going somewhere. It's building up, it's bound to leak out and it could well end up unravelling your relationship. Maybe you should ask him the question instead of us - as long as yor prepared for, and don't manipulate, the answer. Tricky - good luck x
Aug 18, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
2n2makes4   Couple Man 41yrs Woman 36yrs

No brainer

Do we really need to comment on this pretty obvious I think? Simple be fair anything you are not prepared to let your partner do don't do yourself ! I'm not religious but the the old saying do unto others might apply . Good luck mr2n2
Aug 18, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Grabby

More insight needed

Do you actually get to play alone with your lover, or is Mike involved?
Because if you do, I imagine he feels the exact same anxiety you do, everytime you are with your lover.
Aug 18, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
razor2000   Man 40yrs

Questions

Lots of folks seem to ask questions they already know the answer too, can I have a another biccy,is it still raining and is it fair that I am allowed to have a lover and my husbands not. Yes, yes no. But I think you already knew that.
Aug 18, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
MsVelvetblue

The Cynic is me says

That everything ends eventually and it ends badly otherwise it wouldnt end......so this situation too will change.....in fact methinks it already is changing or you wouldnt be posting.....I think theres a bit more to this story

 

And of course its not "fair"...you needed to put a forum post up to ask that ?...

 

but life is not fair....

 

all I can say is still enjoy it while you can...and if in time, the situation reverses, lets hope you will handle it with dignity and maturity that your very loving and understanding hubby has (his a better man than I would be - I wouldnt be putting up with this scenario)

 

to each their own..as long as you dont hurt anyone on the way....

 

But have you hurt someone already ? (namely husband ) and if you have, then  thats ultimately what you have to live with...

 

Aug 18, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Hesione

The answer

to your question OP is of course it is not fair,but the situation seems a little complicated.Obviously Mike gets to play with other women  in FMF situations,that is according to your profile.Three years is a long time for Mike to tolerate you having a regular lover.If he is just tolerating the situation it sounds like he would prefer some other arrangement.

I wonder why you are not able to tolerate him playing alone?Is it that you feel insecure or more of an issue of ownership.

Only you and Mike can really understand the dynamics of your relationship

At the moment it seems to me that you have most of the power in the relationship ,but this could change if Mike ceases to be so tolerant.x Hugs H

Aug 18, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
NortyNightsAhead   Couple Man 52yrs Woman 49yrs

Good for the goose good for the gander

Unfair definately but also what if other ladies don't want play 1 on 1 , my wife & i have an open relationship my wife has played 1 on 1 with 5 guys while i have been at work that is a turn on for me , my wife has given the all clear for me to play 1 on 1 with the ladies and that has been verbal to the party or parties involved but it seems as many profiles even with married couples says looking for man woman couples , send a message or wink and it comes back as sorry our worlds won't collide , but getting back to unfair is the verdict .
Aug 18, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
tuscanred   Woman 60yrs

things are not alway as they seem

 

Sometimes there is a complexity of situations and emotions.

We cannot fill all the needs of another, no matter how hard we try.

 

Yes we can have our own wants and desires, but also feel we do not want to risk loosing a guy.

Women tend to get emotional attachments to men they have sex with. The real fear is that another woman may lock onto another’s husband and then the woman will be out in the cold. Men are often the providers even in a world of equality.

 

Sex is easy to get for a woman, relationships are not.

Sex is not so easy for men to get, but relationships are if the guy comes in as the guy to sweep you off your feet and take care of you.

 

We all get old, we get sick we get tired, the sex runs out.


So I do understand that selfish need we all have at times. Emotions are not logical.

Aug 18, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
letsdoit999  

Man 31yrs

Hi

Let mike be alone with a woman one night and that will put you in his shoes to experience what he feels because you can never get a man to express his true feelings to a woman your lucky if you get 60% out of him haha anyway that's my opinion
Aug 18, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Dragonfyre2010   Woman 55yrs

Contradictory Values

Sorry, but you think it is alright for you to have a lover yet uncomfortable/jealous that your partner should have one? totally unreasonable and unfair, what is good for the goose should be good for the gander(so to speak), why do you feel uncomfortable with that situation?  Are you afraid he will have a good if not better time?, maybe harsh but you are putting unreasonable demands on this situation.
Aug 18, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
sapling

OP's expectations?

Symiking, what sort of response did you expect from the forum contributors, if it's not too confronting a question?
Clearly, the text of your question suggests that poor Mike isn't a terribly willing signatory to this weird contract. The whole thing smacks of lack of trust and big, big troubles brewing. I hope Mike is far more tolerant than I would be, because this suggests extreme controlling behaviour. In my opinion, it would be an excellent exercise to closely examine why it's OK for you to have a lover and why you won't allow him to do so. It's not a rational expectation, unless he is a more willing signatory than you have suggested (i.e. as someone else suggested, he enjoys a cuckold).

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