Just treat it like any other normal thing with a bunch of nice people that happen to be naked.

Are you jealous because she is getting some and your not?

Or because you feel she is emotionally attached to women?

Do not fake it

If your fighting about it now in an open relationship it is clear its not for you, or its just you are feeling a tad insecure at the moment.

Maybe you need to work on your profile a bit, pictures, and not I am only here cause my wife dragged me into this.

The reluctant swinger.

You need to express and resolve your feelings with your wife before venturing out as a couple.  A good starting point would be getting her to read this.

OK.

I guess I am jealous cause she is getting some, ofcourse I don't want her to stop because of me, I want her to be free to be her. I am afraid that she may develop an emotional attachment that may undermind the one we have, but she asures me that this will not happen.

I think the biggest problem is that I'm feeling insecure. She is quite happy to go forward without the swinging thing, I'm not. I'm just afraid that my insecurity will stop us enjoying ourselves as we should. I know my insecurities are not attractive things, and really want to project the necessary air of confidence.

And I'm not quite ready to enter a sexual relationship without her yet. I am the type who develops emotional attachments very quickly. I developed the profile so I could post here without using our couple's profile. In the future, when I'm certain what page I'm on, I'll fill it out and look for something on the side.


/sucks in deep breath and puffs up chest

I guess if I want this to work I'll need to fake to I make it

Ummm. That could get nasty. Firstly, going to a swingers party, how are you going to feel if another dude puts his big cock in your wife's face? Seriously? What needs to happen here, in my opinion is that you both ought to spend a couple hundred bucks a fortnight on a psychologist specializing in relationships... so that your discussions do not lead to arguments. Jealousy and swingers parties do not mix well if at all... like oil from a tanker and sea water. It's a fucken disaster! I'd also redress your expectations. It's not reasonable to suppress your sexuality. No doubt she loves you. Talk up the positives with her... another positive is that you could end up being a meat sandwich. Every mortal man's carnal dream! hehe. The couple that play together stay together! Work out some amicable rules with the psychologist as mediator. (use a real one, not a counsellor) Hugs Stalky

Sorry, I posted that letting all my self doubts flow out. Let's try a post from my more confident place.

I am very happy to see my partner enjoying herself, and getting in touch with a side of herself that her mother always made wrong.

I feel that I am being left behind.

We have seen psychologists seperately and as a couple (it's what lead to us dumping our repsective addictions). I feel I need some experience so I can be on the same page as my partner in all this.

We have set out rules for this encounter:
we play together
non-one forces anyone into a situation they are uncomfortable with
either partner has the right to leave if they are uncomfortable, but they must take the other with them

We have taken our time in coming to this place and I feel that it is the obvious next step. I don't want it to end badly, which is why I'm trying to air my self doubts here.

I am generally not a jealous guy, which is why I am having a hard time dealing with the jealousy I feel over my partners girlfriends (a situation I green lit). I've come to the conclusion that it is because I'm not a part of it.

As for what I would do if some guy sticks his dick in my parner's face, that would be up to her, I will support her decision

One of the positive things about having multiple sexual partners is that it can help boost your self confidence. It needs to be said, that this sexual behaviour can be quite addictive. I am increasingly aware that it's possible to exchange one addiction with another. Sex, like chocolate, drugs, booze, cigarettes, the gym..... these are always there... always available. For some of us, It's very easy to slip into habitual behaviour. The short term rewards are easier to accept than the will to confront whatever task (or thought) you are avoiding. Anger is a symptom of unhappiness. You should recognize it as such, and work to resolve the underlying matters that are causing you grief. We all do this in our own way... with couples... there can be two individuals dealing with their own unhappiness.... in those circumstances, it can be hard to appreciate the perspective of the other. No doubt, it helps if you both concentrate on empathy for one another. That's what love's about isn't it? Hugs Stalky

There's a lot there in what you've said...ranging from moving out of a monogamous relationship where you have been very much in love, moving out of the Big Smoke, she finally exercising what you already new existed as part of her sexual personality and the bulimia.  That's a lot...and maybe the first thing to do which at times can be one of the hardest things to do is just talk to your partner about your feelings and be open to hers too.  Remember feelings are never right or wrong...they're your feelings so express them honestly and try your best not to judge.  Sometimes some pretty amazing things can come out of an open dialog...and if you hit a point in the discussion where it turns into an argument just stop right there and step back.  There is nothing to win when you talk openly and really, nothing to loose.  Take the prize of being right off the table ahead of time...it really can be done.

|

That said, you both really do have some psychologically based addictions and an OCD or two...there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking ownership of those and perhaps individually and/or jointly talking to a qualified professional in the various fields.  Bulimia in particular is nothing to take lightly...it can even be life-threatening so tread slowly and see what happens.

|

All the best...you can achieve anything if you really want it.     

I second the suggestion that you speak to a psych about this - the swinging in particular. You are both already in the habit of seeing a psych so it shouldn't be as big a deal for you as it can be for others.

As for becoming sexually adventurous - some people just aren't. You can't force yourself to enjoy what you don't like. Some situations at swinger's parties (or even at smaller meets) can be intimidating or confronting.

You said one of your rules is that you only play together, however it seems your wife is going out and meeting women by herself. Personally, I see this as a contradiction. If she is allowed to play solo with other women, you should be too. As far as I'm concerned, sex is sex - it doesn't matter what gender the other participant is.

Cheers,
MS

this is a great post and l commend you on being honest with yourself in here.

As previous posters have said you have several things going on in your lives. You have just given up being stoned all the time. This takes time to deal with and there is a new you emerging, probably one you havent been in touch with for some time. Takes time to get to know the new you and adjust. For your partener she is also on a similar journey though for her being intouch with her sexuality is giving her new confidence with in herself. This helps with the self sabotaging aspect of ones persona.

The biggest thing here is respecting each others feelings and being open. Always remember though when in open dialogue what the other person says to you is how they feel,  it is not about you or an attack on you. Its just their feelings and we all have the right to feel and express while the other person listens and shuts their mouths. Empathy!

Your parteners new honesty with herself has you feeling a little insecure and this is perfectly understandable which l am sure you understand. On the other hand resentment does not help as it will put increasing pressure on your relationship if you do not deal with it.

Swingers parties can be fun however can also be a little overwhelming. You are never under any pressure to play nor should you be. Remember everyone at that party has been through what you are experiencing now to some degree. Be honest and you will find people at swingers parties are also honest and are willing to discuss their own experiences. We all start somewhere.

Councelling can help only if your BOTH really open to it and honest with yourselves. Writing your feelings on paper and looking at them the next day works well as well in the initial stages of understanding you.

You both have a lot going on.....one day at a time. Yesterday is gone, today your reflecting and tomorrow is the beginning of your new journey of uncondtional love.

Good Luck xxx

Firstly , congratulations on facing your bulimia and drug issues…its great to hear that you realise the potential dangers of both of these and have addressed them accordingly. Bulimia though is an illness which is prone to raise its head again if the person is subjected to stress…so this illness will always need continual monitoring and reviewing. I hope your partner is receiving professional help in this regard.

As for your own issues regarding being stoned for quite some time, I’m sure you have looked at how much of life you may have missed out on, how it could have contributed to issues in your life being financially, emotionally, psychological and physically – still it sounds like you have looked at these issues and good for you for kicking the habit. I hope you stay strong in this regard and also seek professional help if you feel you need it to stay on course.

Cudos to your girlfriend for addressing the issue of her sexuality – a brave thing to do, as it could have been ONE reason for her bulimia….being comfortable with oneself in all areas of your life is the ultimate key to happiness, I applaud her for examining herself and acting on it….

The issue is your jealousy which you have acknowledged. There is nothing wrong with how you feel, nothing…our emotions are our own and are very real..they need to be examined as to why and how you feel them. No emotion is negative, its how we deal and act on them that has the potential to be harmful. You have taken a major step in acknowledging your jealousy and this is commendable. The key to this issue is communication with your partner….you must talk to her about how you feel and just as important you must listen to how she feels. A calm clear supportive non threatening environment is recommended and this discussion should take place as a direct result of addressing your issues , not as a by product to any blew you may be having like who failed to take out the garbage.

Like fellow posters I would suggest seeking a mediator, a psychologist to guide you thru this, however for some people bringing a third party in can be threatening so my advice would be to approach your partner first, be open and do not expect all the issues that are raised to be resolved in one sitting…it may take several sittings to resolve even one point. Please also respect the fact that if she chooses not to communicate then sadly no matter how much you push, you will resolve nothing. Again the key is here is communication and respect for each others feelings and ideas.…no one is rite or wrong here, we all come from our own experiences and perspectives.

My concern is the issue of swinging. Until you resolve exactly what your relationship is…is it open or not, what are “Your rules” and what you both want from the relationship, then I strongly suggest you give swinging a miss. Swinging will not help you sort out what you BOTH want. Swinging is consensual and should be pleasurable for all parties involved (including the couple you swing with ) and trust me there is nothing pleasant about swinging with a couple who have underlying issues that have a tendency to appear when one partner is having a riot of a time and the other one isn’t (so been there and done that..not nice) …that is not fair on anyone involved….out of respect for any future couples you chose to swing with, you should try and resolve the issues between you both now before you bring others into the fray…being a attractive guy and good lover does not necessarily make you a great swing partner and its funny how others will detect that almost instantly..we can only hide behind our masks for so long..they do slip !!!

Be true to yourself..do not pretend what you are not for anyone else..….you may have issues regarding sex (most of us to do to some degree – am I doing it rite, should I swallow, am I hitting the spot ? how do I feel with my woman having some other blokes cock in her mouth etc) however its important that you address these issues first in your head before you go out into the big wide world of swinging..you owe that to yourself and others..You have been happily monogamous for 13 years and state you have had very little sexual experience…with all that’s happening in your life with your partner…I think the most pressing question to ask, is, although your partner has been the rite partner for you for 13 years, is she the rite partner for the next 13 ?......and you for her…I think you need to look at the bigger relationship picture here…...the question here is not about sexuality, dope bulimia, open relationship, swinging etc..but are you two ideally suited, do you share the same core values on most issues, are you lovers but also best friends and is there trust between you ? Is this person (and are you for her) the person you want to keep on exploring and journeying with ?

I like to think that my addiction has been dealt with. Been sober for over 6 months now, and rarely think about getting stoned. I like to think the same is true for my partner, though I'm not in her head.

I can see the various contradictions in my opinions. She is happy for me to explore sexuality outside of the relationship, and maybe this is where I should go. I just don't know. As for the rules, these are in regards to the party we decided to attend. I want to deal with my jealousy, and I'm just thinking I need to be on the same page as her, which is quite impossible if our experiences are so worlds apart. She had plenty of partner's, male and female and group situations before me.

I want to be more sexually adventurous. I want to be more confident in this realm. I want to be less repressed. But unless I go out and try to find experiences, how is this possible? I'm having a very hard time sorting things out in my head without a reference point to base what it would be like to be more sexually adventurous on.

As for wether I want her to be my partner for the next 13 years, of this I am quite certain. She is my best friend. I am hers. We are deeply in love. We share everything, now more so than ever before. Our relationship is healthier by the day. Since we have made this decision to try swinging, it has become even more exciting. The more I think about it, the more eager I become, and I think the same is true for her.

We are both certain that we want in only if things work for all parties concerned. I'm just trying to get my head in the right place to make sure this true for me.

You are both evolving, taking new directions it would appear. There's always a certain amount of Angst when treading in unfamiliar territory.

.

Are you jealous of the inspiration others give her? Something you perhaps find it hard to match to get this amount of feeling from her?

.

Free her, if you can, to explore in view of strengthening your union with each other, not in view of her taking liberties at the expense of your feelings if this is apparent in any way?

.

Lay some ground rules, contract what's ok and what's not (at this early juncture).

.

Be honest at all times, be true to yourself but minimise the heavy meaning. It may never happen.

.

As I see it, you've nothing to lose, correspondingly, everything to lose. How this all turns out is unknown but you'll know soon enough.

.

The ball is rolling...Kick it!

My wife is a wonderful, sexual being. She was stiffled and controlled in her first marriage whereas I experienced a great deal of variety in the years before we met. Her sexuality excites me and I have no wish to exert any restrictions upon her. She has her own RHP profile and has made a lot of friends but they have no interest in me and I too feel that I'm being left behind.

We should probably get our wives together.

If swinging is a one sided thing it's always going to be an issue.  Find a partner that is willing to play with you both and you should be happy, but letting her experience her bi side whilst your silently seething can break your relationship.  A relationship means that you should both be equal.

The swingers party was a fizzer. We pushed for something to happen with another couple and ended up dealing with with their jealousy issues. One of her girlfriends wanted a foursome with me and her partner. My partner didn't want this and in the end I spoke out of turn and made things worse. She thinks it was my jealousy issues sabotaging things, I think I've been dealing with them and they'd been getting better, so I can't see why they'd pop up in such a subconscious manner. I think I was just being righteous. A few things have happened recently to show me that sometimes I think i know what's best for everyone. It's humbling to admit. I have nfi what what is the best for myself. My partner has poured ice on everything and while I'm not happy with this, I need to let her take the lead. This whole episode is teaching me how difficult the sex with no strings thing is, or maybe sex is the biggest string of all