Bad Esteem

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Bad Esteem

Aug 02, 2012
CrackUp   Woman 51yrs

Do many of you other ladies suffer with low self esteem.  I thought with age, would come a certain amount of acceptance and whilst, on some levels, there is, in other ways, I feel as ugly and awkward as I did as a 14 year old.  Primarily, my esteem physically and sexually are rock bottom.  If any of you have fought these same feelings and triumphed over your feelings of feeling inferior, how did you do it?  Is there any value as some of the forums seem to indicate, in just taking on a myriad of partners to soothe the pain of self loathing or does this ultimately end up being a bandaid and the real healing comes from within?

 

I feel like a young woman I worked with many, many years ago...to the outside world, she was gorgeous, vivacious, fun and outgoing - her inner demons were such, that one late, lonely night...she took her own life.  I don't feel suicidal but, I feel like in these two areas of my life, I am at completely odds with who I am in the rest of my personality and outlook.  I would just like to feel whole.

self conscious
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jensman1903   Man 49yrs

I'm no lady but I sympathise with you, trully.

I have issues of my own and yes, they have led to thoughts of self harm. In March, I started a thread entitled "How do you measure your self worth?"  Some of the statements posted were very thoughtul and maybe reading them could help. I know this is not a comfort but you are not alone in feeling the way you do.
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tuscanred   Woman 60yrs

Feeling whole

I have been that woman, i used to refer to myself as the invisible woman.

 

There is a fine line between self esteem issues and those of self loathing.

 

Rhp is not the place for serious issues but its the place to meet people who are perhaps the fruit and nuts of a good bowel of cereal.

 

The forums help, to read and to post your thoughts and feelings.

 

No body knows what we are , we even hide from ourselves. Were never whole, were not supposed to be finding the answers all the time. What we do is live one day at a time, in all kinds of emotional weather.

 

As a woman I love this place, but its also an illusion thing. You will get to ride on the roller coaster and get your hair blown back by hot horny men or women or groups.

 

They can make you feel fantastic, and also give you that swing in your hips and twinkle in your eye.

But the wrong kind of guys can make things worse for you. Having a guy fuck your brains out and then not return calls etc. can affect women. Do not use them to say mirror mirror on the wall, am I ok? Just use the mirror mirror in the eyes of people that you know off-line that give a shit about you.



Counselling from a professional is always a good thing We all feel like you do  at times, some more than others. It has nothing to do with your looks, even the most beautiful people who have it all get those feelings.

There is a good networking system here for people but were not experts on anything but our own opinions.

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woody_pusscat  

Couple Man 51yrs Woman 47yrs

Self Esteem

Many many years ago, in my late 20's to early 30's I suffered from terrible self esteem issues.  I thought I was a weirdo basically because I was very shy and quiet.  One night stands only made it worse. The real healing does come from within yourself.  I saw a counsellor for many years after 2 suicide attempts and long bouts of clinical depression.  I used to keep a diary and write down all my thoughts and a lst of all the good things in my life.  If you keep at it and believe in yourself you will get through this.  I dont think a person will ever feel "whole" but we can and must give it a damm good try. Be strong and learn to love yourself - warts and all.

 

Pusscat xxxx

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xxTRIPSxx   Woman 46yrs

Wise words pusscat

I think all of us at one time or another have suffered with low self  esteem and the like.. So instead of thinking.. the glass is half  empty.. change it around and think of the positives in your life and inside yourself... the glass is also half full... The only one that can change your bad feelings of self worth are yourself and with the help of  good friends and family you will get there... DO NOT listen to the negative people.. they just want to bring you down to their level... Life  will get better and always love yourself  first .. Because YOU are the most important person in your life...
cheers sally
xxxxxxxxx
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xxTRIPSxx   Woman 46yrs

Wise words pusscat

Everyone is an original, beauty is not only skin deep... beauty is inside us all.. You are unique so embrace it all... Lie is too short for negatives...
Trips xxxx

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miss_cb

Low Self Esteem

You are definately not alone.  I don't feel any more positive about myself than I did in my teens either.  My professional side shows no sign of how I feel but I know personally it holds me back.

 

How do we fix it?  I don't know, sorry.

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LittleRedEngine   Man 50yrs

Man that's heavy..

It's sad so many folk struggle with this sort of stuff.

I wonder if what people miss is, it's got naught to do with how Joe average feels about you.  It's about how you measure up to your own expectation.  So Crackup, are your expectations of self reasonable?

No one can tick all their own boxes.  That's actually a good thing, as it gives us shit to aim for.  But for the most part, your boxes should be doable.  If they're are not, stop being so unreasonable with your self.

Have hug xxx.
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Hesione

the self

a few years ago I went through a  huge crisis  and completely lost the sense of who I was.My identity had become enmeshed with my job,my status in the community and when I lost all that I struggled.

If I was no longer defined by these roles then who was I ?.I no longer had a purpose and for the first time I had to just be me.

It took me six months to even begin to realize that I was not my work,I didn'tneed labels or status to justify my existence and with this realisation came an amazing liberation and a freedom to just be.

Do I like who I am,yes.....do others like me..some do,some don't...does this matter...sometimes ,it depends on the person .

Can anyone else make me happy? No....only I can make me happy.... spending time with people I love,people I like ,enhances my happiness.

It is sometimes difficult to value ourselves ,to just accept who we are with all our flaws.I loathe books on self improvement,we are perfect just as we are.Sometimes we might need to change our behaviour or old habits but that all stems from self loathing anyway.

We need to be kinder to ourselves.Not uttering that endless self talk of listing the ''IF ONLYS''

If only I was ....thinner,prettier,kinder,richer,younger,older,had fair skin,had brown skin,shorter,taller,bigger,stronger,and so it goes.....the endless self talk.

So, just celebrate you...fall back inlove with you,who you are now....older,wiser,sexier,funnier, wittier wonderful you.

x Hugs H

 

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SacralChakra  

Woman 45yrs

The secret is...

To tell yourself that you love yourself many times a day until you believe it.  Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts.  Read You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L Hay.
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countrymeat

be yourself

stop  trying to  live up to other people expectations..be yourself. i spent  years being ridiculed because i  wasnt good looking ,didnt blend in with the crowd,was bit of a loner..now years later im  glad i lived my life how i wanted and not what other  people wanted..ive seen to many people wear a mask  out in public to impress and be accepted only to see them fall apart and break down  when alone...
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keepingkarma   Woman 53yrs

When I've had the "stuffing" knocked

... out of me. I allow myself a little "time out" and then I  get busy; exercise the mind and body. At first it serves as a mere distraction but soon becomes all empowering. Above all treat yourself like your very best friend. Wishing you every luck. Go well ... KK xx
Aug 03, 2012 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
sapling

Coffee and chat!

Jeebers, Crackup. If you ever want a coffee and chat (yes, believe it or not, I mean exactly that), feel free to ask. Sometimes all one needs is just anybody to really and actively listen at times like these.
John
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amuse_bouche  

Woman 23yrs

Slowly does it

It's certainly not something that can happen overnight. And as TR says - a string of one nighters and/or being charmed by players with loose belt buckles on here would not help in the slightest. I found this out the hard way myself, as I never fail to be seduced by the charismatic playboys with their practised crooked smiles.

You need to do things for yourself, rather than others, and don't feel that you have to live up to the (perceived) expectations of others. Spend your time immersed in the things you love doing, surround yourself with people who love you for who you are and are capable of making you feel like you're a sexy, confident, capable woman.

Although when you start it may seem a little like you're putting it on, but when it begins to happen more frequently and filtrate more into your life every day, that confidence and sexiness does essentially become a part of you and the aura you project to others. People naturally admire and are drawn to confident people, and having that feedback response will essentially fuel your self-assurance in a legitimate way.
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Hellenheels   Woman 40yrs

I wholeheartedly agree with City Kitty...

fake it till you make it.  If you carry yourself with an air of confidence and self love then people will believe that's who you are and treat you accordingly, it will eventually be self fulfilling.  If you look good it can make you feel good too, throw on some makeup and make an effort whenever you get these feelings, it is amazing the difference it can make in your day to day life. 

 

I think we all go through this at times, it doesn't help in this day and age with the amount of media images we are saturated with day in and day out.  It almost seems like if you aren't a woman under 35 with big boobs, colgate smile and glossy hair then you are invisible.  We can only be the best versions of ourselves, I am still trying to learn this lesson, always wishing I was more this... or less that... Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't like what I see, but there is not much I can do about it, so I choose to focus on the things I do like about myself. 

 

A girlfriend of mine has taken a couple of image makeover courses, they help you to work out what colours work with your skin tone, and what clothing is suited to your body shape etc, she said it was really good, they give you your colour swatches to take home too.  You can google 'personal image consultants'. You could go to a Myer cosmetic counter and get your makeup done, book into a good salon and get a new hairdo.  you'll be amazed at how good you feel.

 

Best of luck

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diwata

Accept yourself

You are not alone in feeling this. 

I have found that by being honest with myself, knowing and accepting who I am - crazy hair, clumsy, awkward, lumps and bumps in the right and wrong places, flaws and all- has freed me to be me.  There are some things about me that I don't like and I do something about it to change.  Others, I know I can't change, so I accept that this is me and embrace it.

Being and feeling whole is not something that anyone or anything can give you.  Acknowledge who you are - the great, not so great, good and bad - and recognise that this is you.    As some have suggested, dress-up nice and put make-up on - will help in feeling great, but also, learn to appreciate yourself without any of these  - you are unique and beautiful (awkward can be beautiful )  in every way. 


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MomentsNotice   Man 38yrs

Is there someone in your life making you feel this way?

I had a domineering mother who completely dominated my father, me and my brother when I was young.  She did it to cover up her own lack of self-esteem.  If the people around her felt worse than her, then she thought she would feel better.  They way she would do it is basically knock down my self-esteem, criticise, judge and basically constantly highlight the things that were wrong with me.  By the time I reached my 20's, I'd had 20 years of that drilled into my head and I felt worthless, that I didn't deserve a good life.  I was just surviving really, not enjoying life, and desperately trying to figure out why.  Only when I hit my 30's did I start to get over it (with a lot of self-therapy, reading and figuring out what was going on) and unfortunately I've had to push the offending person, my mother, mostly out of my life.  I didn't realise it was her causing the problems, or maybe didn't want to admit it, because really, who wants to think of their mother that brought them up as being nasty and vindictive?  I was at the point where I was dreading any kind of interaction with her or my father.  Just seeing an email from them used to cause me to relapse into the state of not feeling good.  Now we rarely talk at all.

It might not be one person though.  I think society as a whole has quite bad behaviour in this regard.  One thing I have done is throw the TV out.  It is full of pretty, shallow people trying to make others feel bad about themselves in order to make themselves feel better in my opinion.  There are so many nice, genuine people out there in the world that I don't feel any need to watch people who I wouldn't give the time of day to in real life. 
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xFunlovingx   Woman 52yrs

Louise L Hay

I agree with Sacral...go and get the Louse Hay book You Can Heal Your Life. Also if you are on FaceBook I would like her page as at times you will get an uplifting message from Louise.

.

I am currently seeing a Louise Hay "Therapist" and while things are moving along slowly (my fault as I don't do my "homework" every day)...It is working! Today I went to see her and she gave me a daily "mantra" to do and when she handed it to me I thought of you...So I shall share this with you! Do this in the morning when you wake up...look in the mirror at your eyes and lightly touch your throat as you are saying this!

.

Loving Treatment

.

Deep at the Centre of my being there is an infinte well of Love.

I now allow this love to flow to the surface.

It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness, my very being, and radiates out from me in all directions and returns to me multiplied.

.

The more love I use and give, the more I have to give, the supply is endless.

The use of love makes me feel good. It is an expression of my inner joy.

.

I love myself, therefore I take loving care of my body.

I lovingly feed it nourishing food and beverages.

I lovingly groom it and dress it, and my body lovingly responds to me with vibrant health and energy.

.

I love myself, therefore I provide for myself a comfortable home, one that fills all my needs and is a pleasure to be in.

I fill the rooms with the vibration of love so that all who enter, me included, will feel this love and be nourished by it.

.

I love myself, therefore, I work at a job that I truly enjoy doing, one that uses my creative talents and abilities, working with and for people that I love and love me, and earning a good income.

.

I love myself, therefore, I behave and think in a loving way to all people, for I know that that which I give out returns to me multiplied.

I only attract loving people in my world for they are a mirror of what I am.

I love myself, therefore, I forgive and totally release the past and all past experiences and I am free.

.

I love myself, therefore I love totally in the NOW, experiencing each moment as good and knowing that my future is bright, and joyous and secure, for I am a beloved child of the Universe and the Universe lovingly takes care of me now and forever more.

.

And so it is.

.

Also you can say to yourself a few hundred times a day "Love is everywhere and I am loving and loveable"...You might be thinking "shit a few hundred times a day? That seems extreme"...but really it's not...You do start feeling better about yourself and although you might hit some obstacles and not do this every day...THAT IS OK! Do not find something else to put yourself down for...Just start again and never give up on yourself! Unfortunately it is easier to love someone else than to love ourselves! But YOU CAN DO IT!

Love and Light

xFunlovingx

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mikl5212   Man 53yrs

Collective wisdom

Congrats all, some fantastic words in response! I have nothing to add that hasn't been said above other than we are all behind you Crack Up. Michael
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Handmaiden   Woman 50yrs

Yep

I guess we all suffer from low self esteem at times...men and women alike. I spent 15 years in an emotionally abusive relationship and three years of soul searching, anti depresants and therapy to try and understand what and where I was at, what had happened and why.

I still occassionally get a bout of insecurity but alot of this has now gone due to the beautiful people I have met on this and one other similar sites. I know deep down I am a worthwhile person, sometimes there are the occassional stage where one too many random men have dissappeared never to be heard from again after meeting once or twice, these feelings of inadequacy appear momentarily.

Then I need to take a step back from on line dating and re-assess ME and what I want.

Meeting my wonderful partner on a site like this helped alot as well.

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Araps  

Couple Man 38yrs Woman 35yrs

Self Esteem

Many years ago now, I had about 4 years of pretty full on bullying during high school which left my level of self worth quite battered. My life turned around in a big way once I discovered rock climbing. For me it gave me a huge sense of purpose and achievement in being able to climb to the top of a huge cliff and I started to use that in my everyday life.
Not suggesting you take up an extreme sport but guess what I am trying to say is surround yourself with the things/people that make you the most happy and give you the confidence that you are an amazing person. I am a believer that a big factor in attractiveness/sexiness comes from being confident in yourself for who you are.
Hugs
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