Hey there Stalkster,

Just bloody lucky I guess, I don't know why you have to rub your luck in my face.  But if you insist (and I bet you do), could you at least wash it?

OK... and another question....

Why are you always checking under your hood... errrr.... and do you need a hand with that?

I just like to keep things clean under the hood.  My dad told me it was very important.  I've been doing OK for now... but if it needs a really thorough clean... the sort only two men could give it - I'll be sure to let you know.

PS - Just so I don't embarrass myself - which hood were you talking about?

You're in luck... my specialty is women under 25... or it was until the principal got the restraining order sorted out.  But I digress..

I've read many of your posts Whiteh... I mean Anon.  And to say you make the ladies hot is an understatement.  These young'ns love an Emo.  You should bitch and moan a little more, cut yourself (not too deep) and grow your fringe super long.  A bit of makeup will do you good, but not too much (Ridge has nightmares!)

PS - Return those profile pic clothes to your dad and buy some black teeshirts to wear with your sisters jeans too.  Job done!!

At first you freaked me out a little....  Because I have indeed taken photos of lighthouses.  I thought "How long have they been following me... and why?"  But then I realised it's a trick question.  Who hasn't taken a photo of a lighthouse?  Good one! 

My real hobbies in life are crepe connoisseur (they're not gay... they're just like thin pancakes) and continued training for my career in Formula Ern.

Now stop following me....  actually I just checked your profile, I don't mean that!!  Come hither.

I received a strange txt message today. It said, "I'd like to see you ride like a Cowboy".

I'm rather confused.  Because I'm a woman I can't actually be a Cowboy... does he want me to dress as a man ?

I always end up with a stiff lower back after I've been riding.  I think it has something to do with all that bopping up and down.  I keep moving up and down, up and down, faster and faster then I move side to side and front and back. I end up really sore.

How do I let him know that I'd rather ride a unicycle than a horse ?

BTW ... I find you very sexy Dr JG !

xx Ms Giddyup

Fruit and Vegetables are sneaky bastards at the best of times.  Sometimes vegetables disguise themselves as fruit, and this has even resulted in punchups at trivia nights. 

Now I have a theory, but don't want to elaborate on it in case the little bastards are on the interweb.  What you need to do is buy a broccoli.. not from Coles or Safeway, but from a F&V shop.  Be careful in there... the places are full of fruit and veg, and if you read between my lines - they're little bastards. 

You want a broccoli with a big 'head' (think uncomfortably big, not 'curious' big)... and a stalk of a 'pleasant' diameter with ripples.  Assess how your husband walks the next morning.  If it's 'unusual' (you'll see what I mean), you're going to need to investigate further.  I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but you need to somehow get a look at his bum.  If you see something green and furry sticking out of it, that's all the evidence any court will need;  he's the vegie gobbler (and contrary to your thoughts - he does like them raw!).  For reference, print out my profile pic... that's a normal bum (albeit a bit hairy) - but notice there is nothing green.

The whole waking up wet thing is difficult to assess, it really requires a house visit.  I suspect the seach for missing blue and strawberries also will.

Jean "It never hurts to help" Girard.

lol  I bet she's an engineer or an architect or something.... these ladies can be difficult to trick and shockingly accurate with their protractors and stuff.  I've done some practical work here on the couch... now it's all on a different scale but my theory should work on you as it did me.  Here's the trick - don't fold it EXACTLY in half.  You can make it any length you want this way.  Don't say it.... I will....  GENIUS.

Good luck with her.  If you luck out pass on my number.  I should get to 5.5" with a suitable pump and promise to teach her a bloody lesson in fussiness.

Stalkster.

So often, the answer is in the question itself.  To borrow a famous quote from a movie with very few lines

"You've seen it Max, you've heard it.... and you're still asking questions?"   Begin by hollowing out the watermelon, and buy  another litre of paperglue.  The rest will come naturally - like riding a bike.

PS - A Bonanza roleplay... like winning Lotto in my books!  Hope you got this in time.

de citron et le sucre?

Google Translate

Dear Jean

Missy is always eager to please Headmaster, and regularly come up with norty ways to taunt and tease him, sort of like showing my appreciation...well um and coz me is cheeky.

So Jean...What norty, decadent, mischievious, delicious fings do you suggest for me to surprise him with, on Valentines Day?

Thankies in advance.

xxMiss Honeyxx <<<balances da ruler on her nose, while waiting for the answer.

I have this recurring dream where I'm walking through Hurstville in a pair of Manly Sea-Eagles shorts, high heels, red lipstick blue eye shadow?

Can you tell me what it means?

Miss Honeyness,

I've assessed your profile, and given your Sexual Interests make it into two columns, I think you could teach ME more than I can teach you!  But I didn't start an advice column to apologise for my prudeness, so here goes.

Valentine's day is a bugger, because you always feel compelled to outdo each other.  But this is silly.  Some will jump the gun and say organising a CBD hotel room with two ladies to pleasure HM can't be beat.  But this is V Day... it should be about the two of you.  Instead of going for the 'wow' factor, I'v pulled this from my book of cliches:

A picnic in Kings Park overlooking the city.  Pack champagne and sexy food (see Saturn for assistance here) and candles (check for Fire Bans of course).  One of those mossie candles to keep away the biteys and not spoil the romantic mood.  And remember - it's romance, not frantic love-making that you are having tonight.  Make it awkward like a first date.  And whatever you do.  DO NOT HAVE SEX.  You're both expecting to - and that's boring.  You don't look like you'd give it all up on a first date, and you wouldn't tonight would you.  You can kiss and cuddle if you must... but any hormones and wetness is to be avoided.  Spend the night in a nice hotel overlooking the river, and hold out on him until morning.  As the sun cracks over the horizon, you can do anything on your tick list, and to be frank, you should really be aiming for everything on that list of fetishes.

PS - You're not stupid, so I'm not going to remind you about a late check-out and morning breath.

Ms Gee Gee

I had to ask my sister about this one, she has three horses so figured she would know.  But instead of knowledge - I got a slightly repulsed look, possibly similar to the one you made when you received that bizarre text. 

It could be that he was relying on the autospell function of his phone... 'ride' could really be 'shed' and 'see' could be 'pee'.  Subsituting these words doesn't make his original message much clearer, but maybe you two have some sort of 'in' joke that I don't know about.

At first glance, there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with your riding style - the lower back area can become quite stiff though.  A massage with large hands can work wonders here.  The thumbs along the spine and the fingers and palms working the lower back and side muscles.  Ideally the hands almost wrap around to your tummy, but this is only possible with a hand - tummy ratio of 23:1

In any relationship, communication is the key.  We have seen here what can go amiss when you rely on texting and autofill.  If you want to communicate the unicycle idea to him, I suggest being open and honest.  There's nothing to be ashamed of.  But if you text him, your phone might turn "uni cycle" into "tug awake" - your relationship is already suffering from text communication, so I would call or do this face to face.

Happy trails

Dr G

Dear Jean,

I have this contact who is relatively new to RHP and he is obviously the kind of character who is going to be very popular with the ladies because he has a delightfully disarming sense of humour and a very cute butt. Now... I wouldn't be a half decent narcissist if I didnt want to hang out with the popular nre boy in town.... so how can I suck up to him... you know... what do you think I could do for him.. hehe.. to get on his wingman list so I can ply him with alcohol and ... without you know... well he's straight? I don't want him to think I'm gay or anything.... ? What do you recommend?

Hugs

Stalkyboy