Great idea Jean.. I wish I had though of it. haha.

I get the same kind of mail too at times. Although most of it is from people giving ME "advice" rather than them seeking mine... hahaha. 

Some people get a ittle bit cranky don't they!! Shheeesh!!

hehe... Your topic should get a sticky just like Mrs P's forum search post!

OK bebe,

Why do women treat me so mean? I'm always trying to be such a good little boy... no worse than any of the other children.... but when the ruler comes out.. I'm always the one who gets a spanking... Even dedicated subs seem to take particular pleasure in bashing me up... but I really just like cuddles... Why Jean?.... Why are women so unkind to stalky?

OK... and another question....

Why are you always checking under your hood... errrr.... and do you need a hand with that?

Hugs

Stalky

I have a problem.  I really enjoy my fruit and vegetables but the cucumbers and carrots keep disappearing.  I seem to always get left with the beans and brussel sprouts.  I don't understand where they are going as my husband doesn't cook and doesn't like them raw ?

The other night I had a weird dream and woke a little wet. I looked over at the bedside table and noticed a half eaten cucumber. 

Can you tell me where they could be going ?  The strawberries and even the frozen blueberries are missing too !

I don't want to get scurvy !

Thanks, Ms Juicy Fruit

I want to know if there is anything i can help you with under that bonnet ??????????

Im pretty  ' Handy '  around cars

Dear Dr jean....

Why are men wombats?

I have a sore left testicle? What might it be?

Cheers

Just wanted to know if you are the father of my unborn child... I did shag a few guys that week

Mrs Sassy

I'm secretly in love with Stalky, and often have wet dreams about Whitehawk...

Should i end my life or can I be cured ?

Trev

Dear Jean,

I need ideas quick. A couple are coming around tomorrow morning and I promised them a really good time. It's role play with the theme music from "Bonanza" and I promised to play the role of Hoss... but I'm not that big... you know... HOSS.... and when I get nervious... I'm a little bit... limp. A solution came ot me in a dream so I've collected a kitchen wizz, a watermelon, 3 litres of paper glue and the Sydney Morning Herald but I cant remember what I'm meant to do with that stuff. I've run out of ideas so how can I fake it? What would you do in this situation? 

Hugs

Stalky

Dear Jean,

I was recently told by a woman that I couldn't have sex with her unless my cock was 6 inches long......that presents a huge problem for me.....

If I fold it in half, it is exactly five and a half inches. She is really hot and I desperately want to sleep with her.....do you think near enough is good enough ?

DoggyStyle.

Dear Sweetpetite,

Tricky one this... you really should work on your grammar.  But to answer your question, a male wombat is called a Jack.

Lots of  love

JG

From what I can see - nothing.  You are giving your boyfriend blowjobs and that is admirable.  Not wrong.

If you are trying to overcome the pain, I would suggest you have an air pressure problem, you most likely have some sort of blockage in your eustachian tubes.  Suck on a Vicks, or Fisherman's Friend during any future blow-jobs. 

Lots of love

JG

PS - Your boyfriend can thank me another time.

This can be either a problem with the scrotum or a faulty testicle.  We will need to pinpoint the root cause.   Firstly, swap your testicles... so pop the one on the right to the left, and the one on the left to the right.

Is your left testicle still sore?

Hey there Trev,

I checked your profile, and I think the cure is closer than you perhaps realise.  However I've been looking for an excuse to move back to Perth, so if you find yourself inexplicably drawn towards Stalky I am happy to look after Kilee while you scratch whatever itch you have - just in a doctor / nurse professional kind of way of course.

I have had similar dreams about Whitehawk, and the only cure I have found is to never go to sleep.  It hurts, but not as much as wasting a load.

DJG 

Hey there Dellaroo,

You could fetch me another beer.

There's also something caught in the fanbelt...but you need to be careful getting it out.  You see I don't want to damage the fanbelt, I'm a bit of a tightarse.

DJG

Hey there Stalkster,

Just bloody lucky I guess, I don't know why you have to rub your luck in my face.  But if you insist (and I bet you do), could you at least wash it?

OK... and another question....

Why are you always checking under your hood... errrr.... and do you need a hand with that?

I just like to keep things clean under the hood.  My dad told me it was very important.  I've been doing OK for now... but if it needs a really thorough clean... the sort only two men could give it - I'll be sure to let you know.

PS - Just so I don't embarrass myself - which hood were you talking about?

You're in luck... my specialty is women under 25... or it was until the principal got the restraining order sorted out.  But I digress..

I've read many of your posts Whiteh... I mean Anon.  And to say you make the ladies hot is an understatement.  These young'ns love an Emo.  You should bitch and moan a little more, cut yourself (not too deep) and grow your fringe super long.  A bit of makeup will do you good, but not too much (Ridge has nightmares!)

PS - Return those profile pic clothes to your dad and buy some black teeshirts to wear with your sisters jeans too.  Job done!!

At first you freaked me out a little....  Because I have indeed taken photos of lighthouses.  I thought "How long have they been following me... and why?"  But then I realised it's a trick question.  Who hasn't taken a photo of a lighthouse?  Good one! 

My real hobbies in life are crepe connoisseur (they're not gay... they're just like thin pancakes) and continued training for my career in Formula Ern.

Now stop following me....  actually I just checked your profile, I don't mean that!!  Come hither.

I received a strange txt message today. It said, "I'd like to see you ride like a Cowboy".

I'm rather confused.  Because I'm a woman I can't actually be a Cowboy... does he want me to dress as a man ?

I always end up with a stiff lower back after I've been riding.  I think it has something to do with all that bopping up and down.  I keep moving up and down, up and down, faster and faster then I move side to side and front and back. I end up really sore.

How do I let him know that I'd rather ride a unicycle than a horse ?

BTW ... I find you very sexy Dr JG !

xx Ms Giddyup

Fruit and Vegetables are sneaky bastards at the best of times.  Sometimes vegetables disguise themselves as fruit, and this has even resulted in punchups at trivia nights. 

Now I have a theory, but don't want to elaborate on it in case the little bastards are on the interweb.  What you need to do is buy a broccoli.. not from Coles or Safeway, but from a F&V shop.  Be careful in there... the places are full of fruit and veg, and if you read between my lines - they're little bastards. 

You want a broccoli with a big 'head' (think uncomfortably big, not 'curious' big)... and a stalk of a 'pleasant' diameter with ripples.  Assess how your husband walks the next morning.  If it's 'unusual' (you'll see what I mean), you're going to need to investigate further.  I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but you need to somehow get a look at his bum.  If you see something green and furry sticking out of it, that's all the evidence any court will need;  he's the vegie gobbler (and contrary to your thoughts - he does like them raw!).  For reference, print out my profile pic... that's a normal bum (albeit a bit hairy) - but notice there is nothing green.

The whole waking up wet thing is difficult to assess, it really requires a house visit.  I suspect the seach for missing blue and strawberries also will.

Jean "It never hurts to help" Girard.

lol  I bet she's an engineer or an architect or something.... these ladies can be difficult to trick and shockingly accurate with their protractors and stuff.  I've done some practical work here on the couch... now it's all on a different scale but my theory should work on you as it did me.  Here's the trick - don't fold it EXACTLY in half.  You can make it any length you want this way.  Don't say it.... I will....  GENIUS.

Good luck with her.  If you luck out pass on my number.  I should get to 5.5" with a suitable pump and promise to teach her a bloody lesson in fussiness.

Stalkster.

So often, the answer is in the question itself.  To borrow a famous quote from a movie with very few lines

"You've seen it Max, you've heard it.... and you're still asking questions?"   Begin by hollowing out the watermelon, and buy  another litre of paperglue.  The rest will come naturally - like riding a bike.

PS - A Bonanza roleplay... like winning Lotto in my books!  Hope you got this in time.

de citron et le sucre?

Google Translate

Dear Jean

Missy is always eager to please Headmaster, and regularly come up with norty ways to taunt and tease him, sort of like showing my appreciation...well um and coz me is cheeky.

So Jean...What norty, decadent, mischievious, delicious fings do you suggest for me to surprise him with, on Valentines Day?

Thankies in advance.

xxMiss Honeyxx <<<balances da ruler on her nose, while waiting for the answer.

I have this recurring dream where I'm walking through Hurstville in a pair of Manly Sea-Eagles shorts, high heels, red lipstick blue eye shadow?

Can you tell me what it means?

Miss Honeyness,

I've assessed your profile, and given your Sexual Interests make it into two columns, I think you could teach ME more than I can teach you!  But I didn't start an advice column to apologise for my prudeness, so here goes.

Valentine's day is a bugger, because you always feel compelled to outdo each other.  But this is silly.  Some will jump the gun and say organising a CBD hotel room with two ladies to pleasure HM can't be beat.  But this is V Day... it should be about the two of you.  Instead of going for the 'wow' factor, I'v pulled this from my book of cliches:

A picnic in Kings Park overlooking the city.  Pack champagne and sexy food (see Saturn for assistance here) and candles (check for Fire Bans of course).  One of those mossie candles to keep away the biteys and not spoil the romantic mood.  And remember - it's romance, not frantic love-making that you are having tonight.  Make it awkward like a first date.  And whatever you do.  DO NOT HAVE SEX.  You're both expecting to - and that's boring.  You don't look like you'd give it all up on a first date, and you wouldn't tonight would you.  You can kiss and cuddle if you must... but any hormones and wetness is to be avoided.  Spend the night in a nice hotel overlooking the river, and hold out on him until morning.  As the sun cracks over the horizon, you can do anything on your tick list, and to be frank, you should really be aiming for everything on that list of fetishes.

PS - You're not stupid, so I'm not going to remind you about a late check-out and morning breath.

Ms Gee Gee

I had to ask my sister about this one, she has three horses so figured she would know.  But instead of knowledge - I got a slightly repulsed look, possibly similar to the one you made when you received that bizarre text. 

It could be that he was relying on the autospell function of his phone... 'ride' could really be 'shed' and 'see' could be 'pee'.  Subsituting these words doesn't make his original message much clearer, but maybe you two have some sort of 'in' joke that I don't know about.

At first glance, there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with your riding style - the lower back area can become quite stiff though.  A massage with large hands can work wonders here.  The thumbs along the spine and the fingers and palms working the lower back and side muscles.  Ideally the hands almost wrap around to your tummy, but this is only possible with a hand - tummy ratio of 23:1

In any relationship, communication is the key.  We have seen here what can go amiss when you rely on texting and autofill.  If you want to communicate the unicycle idea to him, I suggest being open and honest.  There's nothing to be ashamed of.  But if you text him, your phone might turn "uni cycle" into "tug awake" - your relationship is already suffering from text communication, so I would call or do this face to face.

Happy trails

Dr G

Dear Jean,

I have this contact who is relatively new to RHP and he is obviously the kind of character who is going to be very popular with the ladies because he has a delightfully disarming sense of humour and a very cute butt. Now... I wouldn't be a half decent narcissist if I didnt want to hang out with the popular nre boy in town.... so how can I suck up to him... you know... what do you think I could do for him.. hehe.. to get on his wingman list so I can ply him with alcohol and ... without you know... well he's straight? I don't want him to think I'm gay or anything.... ? What do you recommend?

Hugs

Stalkyboy

DR Jean....

Your not nice!......

sweetpetite41<<< sticks up middle finger and walks off......fookin grammer police...

Hey,

This guy really does give advice.....crap advice mainly but advice all the same !!!

Doggy.

Hi Eunuch...  I hate putting investigations on hold.. but this is a job I am not sure on how to tackle comfortably.  Firstly we need to determine if this is fact or a rumour.  I was going to ask my dad, but was scared my ears would melt. 

I'm going to need you to assist with this by conducting the difficult closer inspections.  I imagine there must be some sort of "Legzopena" beverage the elderly imbibe.  I'm thinking you need to arm yourself with Drambuie or Cooking Sherry and head down to the nearest hip replacement clinic.  Concentrate on the out-patients as they will be wanting to try their new hips out and you're less likely to break 'things'.

Once you have confirmed that things are closing up on the elderly, let me know and I'll run it past the brains trust. 

I sincerely hope this investigation ends here though, it's kinda icky.

Dr JG

PS - Have you wikipediad this?

*wolfwhistle* Don't tease me like that you handsome bastard...  Or at least if you're going to - have a look around tonight and tell me if you see any street names so I know where to look for ya.

Are you sure it's not a nurses outfit?

The Doc.