.........like to hear from couples that have been together for many years and have been swinging for over 20 years. I would like to know how they think and how they act. Any one can be monogamous for five or ten years it is easy (and many many do).
All the stats have absolutely no meaning if people have only been together as a couple for such a short term. Two years is nothing. Five years is nothing. Ten years is maybe moving towards long term but still not there.
Those of you who have been together such a short time and are swinging...all it says to someone like me is that you have no staying power and are somewhat self indulgent.
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Where are the long term couples saying how wonderful thier life choices are? How thier marriage is better and stronger than ever for these decisions and by long term I do mean more than ten years of swinging and not just knowing each other for ten years.
Justjuice. I watched that doco as well. Guess what? The men that were studied were in thier mid 20's to 30 age group only and were all at university. Great group to study and not exactly a good cross section of the community was it? The stats were actually between 30% and 72% again, not very conclusive...as was pointed out repeatedly by the people doing the interveiw but I guess we only hear what we want to hear dont we?
No a swinging lifestyle would not suit me at all and even though I pay lip service to the "if your partner does not know or approve then it is cheating" theory, to me, and many others, sex outside of the marriage is just that.
To all those about to jump down my throat. I was married, completely monogamously for over 20 years. My partner died in accident.
I think as long as you go into this sort of relationship completely aware of reality you will have a much better chance of making it work. Yes I do believe they can work very nicely but it's rare I think.
Would this relationship be just as happy without opening it up?
Will you be able to close it again if one decided that's what they wanted?
WHY are you opening it up?
Is there something lacking? Underlying problems?
What rules will you make?
Is it sex only or will there be an emotional relationship with the others you bring in?
How will you consider each other and make sure that the other person is completely happy at every step?
The list goes on and on, these are just a few questions that it may pay to answer honestly without fooling yourself or the other.
Have fun xx
It was a ten minute interveiw with Tracy Grimshore who repeatedly pointed out the limitations of his survey methods which the person being interviewed kept brushing aside.
But it still amazes me the justifications that people use. Goodgirlz has raised some very good questions. I dont think it is entirely feasible for people to be in a monogamous relationship for 50 or so years although some do. I do believe though that many get bored way to quickly and do not put the effort into sorting out what is wrong. Opening up the relationship to others appears to be a bandaid solution to many.
A few other questions I would like to know is...
How often do the couples play separately?
How often would it seem to be too often?
Assuming the average person wants sex approx 4 times a week, (I know it is often a lot more than this but we need a starting point for calculation and speculation) how often does s/he go to someone else for this? If s/he decides to play with the same person twice a week or has a standing playdate every week does this not count as a relationship in itself? How often before the insecurities begin to set in if this is the case?
Couples in open relationships do break up just as often as those in monogamous relationships
I'm not sure an open relationship indulges in 'Cheating' though it does seem to have a misplaced ideal of commitment. I imagine the female would find it easier to have more extra partners than the male (should she choose so). I have no other thoughts at this time except....
.
Your strict catholic up-bringing you say is a current contributing factor....is in your past.
The fact your past contributes in any way today, is the interpretation you hold today about those past based event/s. Change that interpretation (you cannot change the past) and feel free of those happenings that constrain you.
I know it was a divergence, but you seemed to want to entertain the subject. Nevertheless, to answer your question before closing, it was aimed at yourselves - Ms_at_69 and JellyB. Who seem to have your past stuck in your present on that issue.
Close.
Well if you believe the figures - 50% of marriages end in divorce (and many more fail)... I'll assume the majority of these are marriages which had a crack at monogamy. After all that is the 'norm'.
And arguably 99% of people have had a monogamous relationship fail at some point.
Can I argue that the figures for an open relationship are better? Nup.. Is it likely to be disasterously worse? Well.... not really - I mean it's not like we're taking on an awesome success rate that monogamy can claim. We're starting from a pretty ordinary baseline.
So what's my point? All relationships need work - the type of relationship just makes what you have to work on different. You and Nerdy might need to contend with the fact you are sleeping with other people. Mr and Mrs Jones next door might have to contend with the fact that Mr Jones works ridiculous hours and travels a lot for work. Mr and Mrs Smith across the road might need to deal with an alcohol or flatulence problem. I'm guessing the real problems start when you are dealing with an open relationship AND flatulence!
I think the benefit of an open relationship is the fact you don't need to supress or hide your urges and desires. It takes some of the pressure of being 'perfectly monogamous' off and lets you discuss things and leaves options open that monogamy does not. Sure you don't need to sleep with other people to be that open with each other - but what's the point?
Gven you're in a relationship that is statistically bound to fail anyway (awww c'mon - look at my stats above!)... at least when you look back on it .... you got to root around - so it wasn't a complete waste :-)